Raine Check
by Sora G. Silverwind
Summary: I’m sorry, but the IC, coherent, and sane fic you were hoping to read is currently unavailable. If you leave your name and number after the tone, we can give you a Raine Check... [Ch. 7: Pies and parodies.]
1. Family Time and Ponderings

**Raine Check**

**By Sora G. Silverwind**

**Summary: I'm sorry, but the IC, coherent, and sane fic you were hoping to read is currently unavailable. If you leave your name and number after the tone, we can give you a Raine Check... (Incomplete?)**

**Rating: PG-13 (T?) for dirty humor, swearing, mature themes, and the occasional flying head.**

**Author's notes: "Crack." For some people, it's the sound their brains make while reading things like this. For others, it's a guilty pleasure that makes them laugh hysterically through their nose for the stupidest reasons. It's bad for both groups, but if everyone goes insane, then we'd all be normal.**

**Disclaimer: Zelos owns me on Saturday nights, Lloyd has me every other Tuesday, and I get to stay with Kratos on the second Wednesday of every month.**

**Special thanks to: Joker, Queenie, Post, and Vyctori for "da goods." And unnoted notables.**

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk**

The easygoing tunes of jazz piano float carelessly in the air of the local coffeehouse. The rich earthy tones of the brick walls lend a cozy, comfortable atmosphere to the more-crowded-than-usual gathering place. Though the veteran visitors are clearly too wired (or perhaps too angsty) to care too much about the sudden invasion, they still manage to throw a few bloodshot glances in the direction of the crass menagerie.

The workers talk amongst themselves, as usual.

"We've got a large crew tonight," Mia remarks, expertly whipping up another order. "Where d'you think they all came from?"

"A fantasy convention?" Jenna ventures.

"They're aliens," Sheba says spookily, narrowing her eyes.

Jenna rolls her eyes. "Ugh. You and your conspiracy theories."

"I'm telling you, I'm only here because I fell from the sky when I was a baby!"

Jenna pretends to be interested in the icing on the coffee cake she's just placed in the display box in order to drown out Sheba's rant about her cosmic origins. Meanwhile, at one of the tables, a different rant of a different kind from a different blonde is raging...

"Dude!" exclaims the young Mithos Yggdrasill. "How much more obvious can you get with the twists in the game? It's like looking at a Twizzler—you see all the twists before they happen, and then if you stare at it long enough, they don't look like twists anymore! It makes me want to...to...to go stick it up someone's nose and see how long it takes for them to notice!"

Lloyd looks sad. "And waste a perfectly good piece of candy?"

"You!" Mithos leans forward on the table. "How did you _not_ guess it was me when I showed up in Ozette? I even kept the same freakin' hairstyle! I was trying to go easy on you sorry brats, but you've got the brains of half of one-eighth an amoeba from three-day old primordial soup! Sheena looked like she came straight out of Rurouni Kenshin, as opposed to, like...The Sword in the Stone, so I have no clue why you guys were so shocked when you found out she was out of your world."

"Well, sor-rie if we weren't good enough to create the worlds..."

"And Kratos! I can't believe you guys over in Iselia would be dumb enough to hire any ol' mercenary to protect your precious Chosen! You got what was coming to you! And as soon as he sent Kvar on a one-way bullet train to hell, _we all knew_ that he was connected to you somehow."

"Hey!" Lloyd glares. "If you had Kratos for a father, you wouldn't want to claim connections, either!"

"Ooh," Genis whispers. "_Burrrrnn_."

—ZIIIIIIP—

At the other end of the huge wooden table...

"_ACHOO!_"

"Allergies, Kratos?"

"I...think someone's talking about me..."

"I'd wager it's just another lusty fangirl. Tissues?"

"Yes, thank y—wait a minute, Yuan! You can't give me this! This is Martel's hand-woven handkerchief with that godawful octopus design on it that she gave to Mithos for his birthday! Not only do I refuse to be seen in public with that thing, but Mithos is going to kill you!"

"Pfft. He's not going to know!"

"That's what you said about our relationship, you prat!"

—ZIIIIIIP—

"Why not?" Chocolat speaks up. "Sexiness runs in your family."

Lloyd does a double-take.

"Oh, speaking of which!" Mithos crosses his arms. "What's up with my 'Lord Yggdrasill' getup? As if my long flaxen locks weren't enough, they put me in polyester full-body tights! Sure, it shows off my well-toned behind, but can you get any gayer than _that_?"

"Mithos, please," Raine admonishes him. "This isn't Sylvarant or Tethe'alla. You need to be more politically correct here."

"Hmph! Political correctness is the tool of bald, bigoted tyrants with nothing better to do than to pick on half-elves and shorties and cover it up with words that are made-up like a three-dollar French whore, all the while hailing Zelda games as the greatest thing since finely chopped bakery goods with too many carbs and preservatives. This world clashes more than plaid with striped polka dots!"

"Variety is the spice of life, you know."

"And too many spices spoil the soup."

"Hehe...touché."

"_Cliché, _if you ask me." Genis chews on a piece of coffee cake. "Dang...now those were going around like the plague on a Rheiard."

"Especially from you guys." Mithos glares at Lloyd. "Geez, if your speeches got any cheesier, you'd have put the Cheetos cheetah out of a job!"

Lloyd frowns. "Well, that's all good and deep, but it really doesn't matter at this point, you know."

"What! Why not?"

"'Cause you're _dead._"

Mithos blinks. "...oh, right."

Suddenly...

_BAM!_

Zelos Wilder bursts in through the doors of the coffeehouse—

_SWISH!_

—swings his sword—

_THWACK!_

—and slices off Mithos' head.

_THUD!_

It lands bloodily on top of a college student's copy of _Lysistrata._

Zelos grins, plops down on a chair, and steals a sip from Lloyd's latte. "Hey, guys, sorry I'm late! Did I miss anything?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: The Aurion Family Hobby**

A quaint little house with a white picket fence, brick driveway, and an ample backyard under a dusky winter sky.

Inside...

Anna, Kratos, and Lloyd are gathered around a crackling fireplace with a supply of chestnuts, marshmallows, and hot chocolate. They're all dressed in their pajamas.

Kratos sits crosslegged on a borrowed sofa cushion.

Anna leans lovingly against Kratos' shoulder.

Lloyd is sprawled out on a denim beanbag chair, chugging his hot chocolate. He nearly chokes on a marshmallow.

There is a short silence save for Lloyd's coughing fit.

Then...

The game begins.

Anna starts. "I hate Kvar," she says quietly.

"I hate Kvar even more," Lloyd says.

"I hate Kvar more than the two of you combined," Kratos says.

"I hate Kvar with a fiery, burning passion," Anna says.

"Even more than your fiery, burning passion for me?" Kratos asks slyly.

"Even more than that, dear," Anna replies, smiling.

Lloyd pretends to gag. "I hate Kvar with all my heart, soul, and genitals."

"Lloyd, keep it clean," Anna scolds.

"What! But the last time, Dad—"

"Never mind your dad. He still has some issues to work out."

Kratos ignores this and takes his turn. "I hate Kvar with a hellish, infernal hatred that could send Efreet crying to his mother."

"Ooh, points for the mythological reference," Anna remarks.

"_Mooooooom!_"

"I was just kidding, sweetie." Anna smiles. "I hate Kvar like I love the both of you. That is to say..._a lot._"

"Mmm...very antithetical," Kratos says, impressed. "Your English degree is serving you well."

"I hate Kvar like I hate when Mom and Dad remind me that I got the stupid genes in the family," Lloyd grumbles.

"Sorry, dear," Anna apologizes. "You know we don't mean it."

"I hate Kvar like I hate when blood cakes under my nails after a kill," Kratos says.

"I hate Kvar like I hate my menstrual cramps," Anna says.

"I hate Kvar like I hate Raine's cooking," Lloyd says.

"I hate Kvar like the winter needs the spring," Kratos says.

Lloyd blinks. "...that doesn't make any sense."

Kratos shrugs.

"I hate Kvar like I hate that one woman down the street whose desserts always win first prize at the school bake sale," Anna says, looking bitter.

"I hate Kvar like I hate writing four-page essays on the economic and social developments of the Balacruf Dynasty."

"I hate Kvar like I hate living my life right now because I've lived for four thousand freakin' years as a servant to my femboy apprentice, who didn't even give me insurance or my own office or even a modest business plaque when I was working for him, not to mention that the hours were totally out of left field and the pay was so horrible that I would have put my eyeballs through a cheese grater to get better compensation, and furthermore he created the crackpot 'reform plan' that ended up killing the only woman that was ever good in bed with me and leaving me with a rock-brained son who doesn't know the simplest thing about life, the universe, and everything, especially on courting a suitable specimen of the female species...or the male species for that matter!"

Lloyd and Anna stare at Kratos for a few seconds.

Kratos slumps back onto the floor, nearly blue in the face. _THUMP!_

"Your father wins," Anna announces solemnly.

"No fair!" Lloyd whines. "He was holding back!"

Kratos cackles triumphantly before passing out.

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Two Men Walk Into a Bar**

"So, like, I was with this chick Jenna, right?" Alex of Imil sways uneasily to the beat of nonexistent music, almost falling off his stool. "And, like, she says got natural hair color, you know what I'm sayin'? I don't believe her, though, 'cause it's this weird purple color that's like...I dunno...a really bad hickey. I say, it's okay to be blonde. You don't need to, like...stick your head in a bucket of rotten raspberry juice to be edgy or sexy. I mean...blondes have a lot more fun anyway. And their boobs are bigger." He snorts Erkel-style, then smiles lazily. "'Course, she was just a B-cup, but..."

"Hehehehe..." Zelos hiccups before downing another shot glass. "Boobsh...boooooobsh..."

"Yeah, boobs. Them things girls have. They make...nice pillows."

"Heheh." _HICCUP!_

"Hehehehe."

A silence.

"...say, you, like, wanna come with me to see Jenna?"

"I tellsh you shomethin'"—Zelos gleefully waves around an empty glass bottle—"I needsh ta shee more of Shee-NA! But she don' like ta be sheen! Hehehe...get it?"

"Heh." Alex smirks. He lights up another smoke. "You be cool, man, you be cool." He inhales thoughtfully. "Jenna's like that, too. All nunnish and stuff."

"_Hey!_" Zelos shouts excitedly, banging his shot glass on the counter and turning to Alex, who's too out of it to be startled by this abrupt action. "You know what? My shishter's a nun too! It'sh all...sho...shad!"

"Mmm-hmm..."

"'Caushe, like, my maja got killed by her maja, and den...and den..." _HICCUP! _"And den shome peepsh and de Meltok'an m-mafia got mad and—" _HICCUP! _"—and dey're all like, get dee to a h-hennery and go lay shome eggsh or shomethin', and she goesh dere, and now she hatesh me and..." Zelos suddenly looks like he's about to cry. "_AND N-NOW SHE HATESH ME!_"

A pause while Zelos guzzles down another bottle. He burps loudly before going into another round of hiccups.

"Dude," Alex utters calmly. "Hatred is an illusion."

"Yeah? Well, illushion _dish_, ashhole! LIGHT SHPEAR CANNON!" _HICCUP!_

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Showdown**

Regal stares intensely at Presea.

Presea stares intensely at Regal.

"..."

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Suddenly...

They both make their move.

_FWUMP!_

They catch each other in a loving, lustful, hot, and sweaty embrace.

As they twist pornographically on the gaudy covers of the motel room bed, the ghost of Alicia Combatir emerges ominously from the dresser mirror with a weapon of mass destruction tucked safely in her nylons...

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT**: **Newlyweds—Zelos and Colette**

"Oh, my little Co-Co!"

"Oh, you want some hot cocoa? All right, I'll get it ready in a jiffy!"

"Wait, that's not what I meant—!"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**INTERVIEW: When Sheena Met Zelos**

"Rrrgh...do we really have to visit that place on Memory Lane?"

"Come on! It wasn't _that_ bad!"

"..."

"...compared to what I do to you now!"

"Wow, Zelos...didn't think you had it in you to own up to your failings!"

"Failings? What failings? I'm just always up for acknowledging another point-of-view, no matter how blasphemous it is! The great Zelos Wilder is pluralistic and...uh...great!"

"The only thing you're pluralistic about is the women you feel up. Well, anyway...our fateful meeting."

"Written in the stars."

"With the blood of slaughtered politicians and their treacherous mistresses."

"From a glittery gel pen."

"Scented with a hint of cinnamon."

"We were...young. And stupid. Especially Zelos."

"So what if all I knew how to do was switch the signs when you divide by a negative in an inequality? I knew how to get around with the ladies! And everyone knows that procreation is what matters in the end!"

"More like unadulterated copulation in your case."

"Dah..."

"I was 14, he was probably 17 or so. I had to go to Sybak to retrieve a few books from the library there for the researchers at the Imperial Research Academy. Lazy bastards. Anyway, Zelos was there...'studying.'"

"In my defense, I really _was_ studying."

"Studying the posteriors of the female students, I bet."

"You have no faith at all in me."

"One of the posteriors you were studying was mine, asshole!"

"...it was a cute posterior! And I gotta say, your anterior was pretty hot too."

"Sadly, I was really flattered at the time that he was checking me out. Not only was he the Chosen, but he was...well...a guy...and I'd been used to having guys hit me, not hit _on_ me. Not th-that I was getting abused or anything...it was all part of ninja training."

"The first time is always a little uncomfortable."

"I mean, there were a lot of guys in Mizuho that were really nice, like Orochi and Kuchinawa and Ranma, but I'd always been teased for being a 'macho chick' because I preferred breaking bricks with my little toe to...I dunno, primping my hair with the kimono-clad bimbos of the village. My hair sucks, anyway."

"Nonsense! Your hair is the delicious, succulent color of a freshly picked plum!"

"Save it."

"Duly noted! Heh...actually, Sheena's Amazon edginess was what turned me on to her in the first place. I could sense the fire of a warrior—and possibly a future lover—burning in her loins..."

"If only you'd seen the fire burning in my eyes. Then I wouldn't have to deal with you right now."

"Ah, the cruelty I suffer! But suffer I do, because I happily worship the goddess known as Sheena Fujibayashi, who is the ultimate incarnation of the ultimate woman—brains, brawn, beauty...and boobs!"

"Ugh...yeah. The bane of my existence."

"The base of your existence!"

"It was really pathetic. I used to get teased by Orochi and Kuchinawa because of my chest size. 'Dude! Like how can you fight with those in the way?' 'Pfft! They're not in the way; they're a natural shield! I think Orochi just has boobie envy!' 'As if!' 'Hey, don't look so glum! At least if you get stabbed in the chest, your heart will still be okay!' 'You could be the next Mai Shiranui!' 'Or Taki Number Two!' 'But no nipples. Nipples can put an eye out.' 'Don't run with nipples!' 'Hehe.' 'Hehehehe.' So on, so forth. THEY. NEVER. STOPPED."

"You have to admit, though, they did have some valid points."

"Well, I did used to fight with giant fans just to see what would...ahem. Anyway. My chest was the first thing Zelos commented on when I passed by him at the library. I thought it was the greatest thing back then. I was too innocent at the time to think anything of it except as a genuine compliment."

"I'm sincere in all of my compliments! What are you talking about?"

"He said, 'Hey, with a chest like that, you could make a potato sack look sexy!' Which totally floored me, because I used to wear clothes that were an ugly brown color and about ten sizes too big on me. The girls in Mizuho always made fun of me for it, calling me 'potato sack girl' and other related things. It wasn't my fault—that was the standard jumpsuit for ninjas-in-training! And since most ninjas were guys, it was tailored to fit their wood plank figure. Even so, it traumatized me until I was 16, when I finally passed the True Ninja Test and got to wear the official ninja uniform...which is what I wear now."

"Rawr..."

"Can it."

"Sheena did a good job of femming up the potato sack she was wearing that day."

"It wasn't _really_ a potato sack—it just looked like one!"

"You had me fooled! Anyway, it was like she _knew _we were going to meet! Who knew a simple rope around the waist could enhance her curvaceous form? And I liked the wildflowers she stuck in the weave of the sack—totally sweet and innocent, but so much so that it was just...darn...enticing!"

"He plucked one of them off and gave them to me. I, uh...pressed and dried it in a book later."

"You know you love me."

"I'd love to hate you."

"You mean you don't hate me now?"

"...argh. I totally hate you."

"Hehehehehe."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk, Revisited**

"Say..." Sheena thoughtfully swirls the whipped cream into her vanilla frappuccino. "Why _didn't_ they just put a Quick Jump option when we had to revisit all those ruins and stuff to get the Summon Spirits?"

Genis shrugs. "Sake of realism?"

"Are you kidding?" Zelos quips. "In _this_ game?"

"I'm more inclined towards 'sadism on the part of the developers,'" Raine says. "Or, if you want to be optimistic...laziness."

"At least we didn't have to go through the puzzles again," Lloyd says with a sigh of relief. "It was hard enough getting the puzzles right in the first place."

"But then conveniently enough, if we messed up, we could reset most of the puzzles by leaving the room..." Regal muses.

"That's partly our mistake," Rodyle says, passing by from throwing away some trash. "When we were designing our bases, we used that program to test our defenses. We kept on getting lost in our own puzzles, so we just had the program restart just by walking out of the room. We don't like to work hard, either."

"A brilliant mechanism!" Raine says happily. "Until you get it right, the system will keep rebooting itself as a precaution against invaders so no one gets an unfair jump start during infiltration!"

"If you want to put it that way. We just wanted to get it all done before the Superbowl came on." Rodyle wanders off to join his buddies at the end of the table.

"Well, you know what they say, life is like an RPG," Genis says. He slurped down the rest of his iced milk.

"It is true that life—mine, at least—is simply the whims of a super-computer and randomly generated numbers," Presea droned, staring at her still-full venti cup of coffee, "which truly are not so random."

"Does that mean that there's such a thing as fate?" Sheena wanted to know.

"Fate is irrelevant. Function is the priority."

"So we're all just digitized pieces of information, ready to be raped from the database?" Lloyd says. "What is this, the Digiworld?"

Genis simpers. "Nah, it's gotta be more like...uh...Yggdrasil."

"But he's dead!"

"No..._Yggdrasil._ You know. The computer system that keeps the world running. Or the Tree of Life, if you're spiritual like that."

"Ohh...you mean from Oh My Goddess."

"Right."

Raine ponders for a moment. "I guess you could compare Mithos to the Yggdrasil system, though...in a way. He did a lot concerning the creation and function of Sylvarant and Tethe'alla, after all."

Lloyd also scrunches his brow up in thought. "Then...maybe Sheena's Summon Spirits are like..."

"Anti-virus programs?" Genis finishes.

"Perhaps 'firewalls' are a better comparison," Raine says.

"What if _Mithos _was the Almighty in Oh My Goddess?" Sheena suggests.

"Then Keiichi would be dead already, 'cause he's human!" Lloyd says.

"But Belldandy and her sisters aren't angels..." Colette says. "They're goddesses."

"Maybe they're like Martel," Zelos says. "They're all actually half-elves, but because of some truth-twisting and deception on the part of some cruel organization created by a misunderstood adolescent, they've been exalted as goddesses to worship in order to make the peons pay up."

"But Martel didn't have any markings on her face," Colette says.

"And no one worships those three, either," Sheena says.

"Keiichi worships Belldandy," Genis points out.

Zelos waves a hand. "Pfft! That's 'whoreship,' not 'worship.' Two different things."

Regal blinks. "I...have absolutely not a single clue what they are talking about."

Presea closes her eyes.

Regal stares confusedly at her.

"14,257 hits for 'goddesses,' 'Yggdrasil,' and 'Keiichi,'" Presea intones. "Some results are similar to others found and have thus been omitted. Would you like me to go through the results?"

"...I think I'll go get another cup of coffee."

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**RAINE CHECK PLZ**_


	2. History Lessons and Varicella

**SKIT: Newlyweds – Raine and Kratos**

"Oh, Kratos...your account of the history of Triet Ruins is just so _manly_."

"Hehe...I know. How about I tell you about the turning point of the Ancient Kharlan War?"

"Nngh...no! N-not here...not wh-while..."

"Come on...you know you want to hear it..."

"N-no..."

"It was Yuan and I initially..."

"Mmph..."

"From previous accounts of battles prior to this war, we knew that stealth coupled with explosive raids would serve us best..."

"K-Kratos...please..."

"And we had carefully studied the teachings of the legendary battle strategist General Jinxy McDeath..."

"_YES, YES! TELL ME MORE OH GODS YES!"_

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Practice Makes Perfect**

A young Zelos and an even younger Seles are sitting at their kitchen table. Seles is eating an ice cream sundae, while Zelos slices up a bright green apple.

"So," Seles drones. "What are your pathetic attempts today, brother?"

Zelos smirks and bites into an apple wedge. "I have some really good ones!"

Seles rolls her eyes. "That's what you said the last time."

"Hey, no complaining. You're the one who agreed to help me with this, after all."

"The biggest mistake of my pre-teen life. Millions of innocent nymphets are going to suffer because of it. I'll be in purgatory forever."

Zelos finishes his apple and pulls out a crumpled piece of notebook paper. "Ahem. _Can I have your variables? I eliminated mine!_"

Seles shakes her head. "Try again."

"Um..._when you fell from heaven, did you have medical insurance?"_

"Wrong-o."

"_Hey...you've got 'Spank Me' written on your forehead_."

"Nuh-uh."

"_Can I check if your buns are the standard size?"_

"You've _got_ to be kidding me..."

"_You're so hot, you can set flannel on fire_."

"Gag me."

"Er..._can I try some pick-up lines on you?"_

"You told me that one three weeks ago."

"Did I?" Zelos rubs his forehead. "Dangit."

"Is that that all?" Seles asks, looking bored as she scoops up the last of her ice cream. "It's only a few minutes before 'A Mizuho Lesbian in the Tethe'allan King's Court' comes on."

"Wait, wait, I have a few more!" Zelos flips over the worn sheet. "_Your smile is so sweet, I can't believe it's not butter_."

"Lay off the food references."

"How about..._Wanna come with me to the prehistoric age? I can make your bed rock!"_

"Ugh. You do better with the math comments...not that either of them are actually g_ood_."

"_If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together!"_

"Which alphabet are you referring to?"

Zelos pouts. "Smart-ass."

"It's a legitimate question."

Zelos sighs resignedly and crosses his arms. "Well, yanno, Seles, if none of these pick-up lines are working, I'm just gonna have to go straight to the making out..."

"_Ew!" _Seles pales to a sickly green. "_DAAAAAAAD! ZELOS SAYS HE'S GONNA MAKE OUT WITH ME!"_

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Things Kratos Is No Longer Allowed to Do**

"_So why don't you just stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?"_ Kratos sings horribly off-key with half a candy cane in his mouth. He's sprawled out on a leather sofa wearing a frilly pink tutu and stiletto heels. _"I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan, and he's good for relieving my tension. I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE FROM TRANSEXUAL, TRANSYLVANIA!" _He grins stupidly and places his hands behind his head. "Hehe..."

Yuan glares at Kratos from the doorway and puts his hands on his hips. "Do you have to sing that song _every_ time I come into a room?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**INTERVIEW: When Lloyd Met Colette**

"When did Colette and I first meet? Hmm...beats me. It feels like I've always known her."

"Yeah, I don't remember meeting you either. I m-mean, not that I've forgotten you or anything..."

"Of course not."

"I just mean that...you've always been there for me! It feels like you been with me since forever. It's really cool when you think about it—there's no beginning or end to our friendship! We've been destined to share all things!"

"Smiles."

"Tears."

"Laughter."

"Birthdays!"

"And lunches."

"Lunches?"

"I always gave you my celery sticks and broccoli."

"Oh, right. And I used to give you half of my peanut butter and cheese sandwich."

"Man, those were a treat. Dang...now I'm hungry..."

"Hey, remember that time we made the 'ants on a log' thing using your celery sticks to scrape off the peanut butter from my sandwich?"

"With the sunflower seeds that you nearly choked on 'cause I made you laugh with my impression of Professor Raine crossed with Dad?"

"Yup. Those were Genis' sunflower seeds, weren't they?"

"I think so. I swiped them from his desk when he wasn't looking."

"I don't like sunflower seeds."

"Well, we didn't have any raisins. Carlotta usually had them, but she was mean."

"Carlotta braided my hair to the back of my chair once..."

"Ugh. Yeah. We had to borrow a kitchen knife to cut you free. You should've stuck with short hair, you know. You looked real cute."

"But I looked like a boy. Father told me that if I looked like a boy, the Oracle wouldn't recognize me when the time came and the world would end, and it'd all be my fault."

"Yeah, Colette and I have known each other forever, or so it would seem, so I don't exactly remember meeting her. I guess, though, if you really wanted to go all the way back to the 'beginning,' the earliest memory I have of her is when she volunteered to get the chicken pox with me so I wouldn't be lonely while I was sick. I'm not sure how someone 'volunteers' to get sick, but that's what Colette did. You're such a dork sometimes, you know."

"S-sorry..."

"But I suppose you wouldn't be you without a little dorkiness."

"...chii?"

"We were really, really young, like probably five or so. It was really nice of her, but...it was a little weird, too."

"Friends share everything!"

"Haha. I guess that's true. Dad let me stay at her house while I was sick, because he didn't really know how to deal with it. That was a lot of fun, even though we were scratching ourselves for most of the time."

"We picked out constellations on each other and traced them with a pencil!"

"Eheheheh..."

"You had Efreet and the Mana Tree, and I had Volt."

"Volt was just a big ol' scab on you, though!"

"But I still had him, didn't I?"

"Ahh...yeah. That was...an interesting adventure."

"Remember the chicken soup Grandmother made for us?"

"Scratch that! Remember the chicken soup the _Professor_ made for us?"

"...that made me throw up really bad."

"I told you not to eat it, you know. Chicken soup isn't supposed to be green! And the noodles aren't supposed to crunch when you eat them!"

"But the Professor looked so sad when she came to see us! I couldn't _not_ try it!"

"Ugh. Even _then_ you had a martyr complex."

"Sorry, Lloyd..."

"Nah, it's nothing. I'm just saying that's how you were back then."

"I've changed...haven't I?"

"Well, when Zelos fell down with the flu that one time in Altamira, you didn't jump at the chance to get sick with him, did you?"

"That's because Sheena told me he'd make me do bad things if I did."

"What sort of bad things?"

"I don't know. She didn't say."

"Maybe...he'd make you go out and rob the nearest shop? Or mug an old lady on the beach? Or steal cotton candy from a little kid?"

"Why would he want me to do that while he was sick?"

"Well, the Professor says that some sicknesses make people crazy."

"Oh."

"At least he was out of it most of the time with a high fever, so he couldn't really have made you do anything."

"Hehe, yeah. I felt really bad for him, but at the same time, I was so happy I could spend the time with you! We went to the amusement park that day, just me and Lloyd. That was so much fun...we rode on the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster..."

"And you tripped and fell and won a giant teddy bear from that one game booth...somehow."

"It was so cute and cuddly! And it had a big pink satin bow!"

"If you liked it so much, why'd you give it to Zelos?"

"Well, he told me that he wanted me to stay with him because otherwise he'd be lonely in bed. So, I gave it to him when we came back so he'd always have someone with him even if I wasn't there!"

"Ahaha...the more that changes, the more that stays the same..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk, Happy Hour**

"Hey, I've just realized...there are no black people in the game."

"That's because I painted them all _white!_ _THERE SHALL BE NO DISCRIMINATION! HUZZAH!"_

"Mithos! Where the hell did you come from? You're supposed to be dead!"

"That blue-haired cashier over there cast 'Revive' on me."

"..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MINI-SERIES: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode One_**

Deep within the metallic intestines of a high-security government building, Secret Agents Genis Sage and his sexy companion—and older sister—Raine Sage glide stealthily through the quiet halls, completely focused on their goal. They are graceful and calculated in their movements...even when Raine picks a wedgie out of her tight leather pants in the middle of a flip trying to dodge a security robot.

After dancing around a few laser beams, they reach a locked door. As Raine fiddles with the security code, Genis slaps his hand to his ear and activates his communicator headpiece. "This is Easter Sunday to Beach Boy. Are you in the shipping hold?"

"_Yeah,"_ comes the muffled response. _"We'll join you guys in just a few—Ironing Board got her hair caught in the door at the last minute, so we're trying to yank it out."_

"Understood, but don't dally too long. Any word from Dandy, Loudmouth, or Wow?"

"_Negative._ _I haven't heard from any of them since we first left."_

"All right, I'll try to contact them, then," says Genis. "You know how imperative this mission is. General Yggdrasill is poised to unleash screaming temporal doom at any moment now, and if he's activated Project Ribbon already—"

There's a painful explosion from the other end. _"Holy obese Aphrodite on rye with parsley! WHAT THE HELL?"_

"_Oh, no!"_ Colette's cry can be faintly heard through the ruckus. _"It's already—"_

Genis frowns worriedly. _"What's going on there, Beach Boy?"_

"_Dah! So fast! So furious! I never thought—" _The line suddenly goes dead.

Genis bites his lip and smacks the communicator. "Beach Boy? Beach Boy? Come in, dammit!"

"Got it!" Raine exclaims, slamming her index finger down on a button to finish her elite hacking. The door slides open with a pneumatic hiss. "We've infiltrated the core of Mana Enterprises! Now we can...Easter Sunday, what's wrong?"

"Something happened to Beach Boy and Ironing Board," Genis says solemnly.

Raine narrows her eyes. "You don't think..."

"If what's happened is what I think has happened," Genis says, a dark look crossing his features, "we're already two minutes away from doomsday."

"He...he really betrayed us..." Raine mutters sadly.

Genis closes his eyes, and runs a hand through his silvery hair. "Argh...I always thought that he..." He sighs. "Well, we can't worry about that now. Our main priority is and has always been the Derris Files."

"But...but Beach Boy and Ironing Board need our help!"

"I know that!" Genis gulps. "But we need those Derris Files to know how we can completely shut down all of General Yggdrasill's operations! We came too far to turn back." He looks at Raine. "One of us needs to stay here..."

Raine shakes her head, trembling. She wrings her hands. "No...please...don't leave me alone here. All the people Mana Enterprises made me experiment on...they'll haunt me! They'll eat my brain cells! They'll molest my sanity! They'll make me watch mental videos of rabbit porn!"

"No, they won't!" Genis insists, placing a comforting hand on Raine's arm. "They'll support you. They'll help you take down this money-guzzling chimera! They'll help you with your—_our_—retribution." He pulls up his sleeve to reveal a metal arm. "This...this was Marble's. She and I together...we're going to bring justice upon this blood-stained world!"

Raine inhales deeply, and she briefly touches her metal leg, hidden under her pants. "Please be careful...Genis."

Genis nods. "Remember, Sis: I believe in you. Farewell!" With that, he sprints off at super speed down the hallway.

Raine gazes wistfully after him for a few moments. "Such a pure, preservative-free soul should never have had to experience the hell of this world..." she whispers.

"Oh, how touching. Wish I had a little brother like that." A scantily clad woman with two gigantic titanium rifles on her back comes into view from the darkness. "'Course, if I did, then I wouldn't be on the brink of becoming _queen of the world!_ Ohohohohoho! Kate Winslet, eat your ovaries out!"

Raine whirls. "Martel!"

Martel smirks. "Nice to see you again, Raine. Or should I say...treacherous skank-ho?"

"Go hump a tree, you blob of incestuous scum spit!" Raine growls. She reaches for her laser pistol—

—only to find the barrel of a space-age rifle pointed right at her third eye.

Martel smiles evilly.

"Too slow."

She pulls the trigger.

Raine gasps—

_PHWAM!_

_**(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)**_

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**RAINE CHECK PLZ**_


	3. Desserts and Porn

**SKIT: Love and Peace!**

"Oof!" Colette plops down nine giant boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts onto a wooden table. She ties back a few loose strands of her hair. "Phew...I think that's the last of them. This surprise birthday party for Kratos is going to be so much fun!"

"Ach, it's noot gunna be much fun fer me when I have ter clean up after yeh," Dirk says amusedly, carefully putting away his tools.

"D'you think Kratos is more of a confetti person or a silly string person?" Sheena jokes. She giggles as she scatters moon-shaped confetti all over the floor of Dirk's house.

"That's a really scary thing to think about," Genis mutters, finishing up with his artful fruit arrangement.

Zelos walks in and notices the food on the table. "Wow, that's a whole lotta donuts there," he says. "Did you have to carry those in all by yourself, Colette?"

Colette simpers. "Yeah. But it wasn't hard at all!"

Zelos smirks. "Wanna see how many donuts _I_ can carry?"

Colette smiles cheerily. "Sure, why no—"

"_Nooooooooooooo!"_ Lloyd charges in from an open window. "_DON'T DO IT, COLETTE!"_

Colette cutely tilts her head to one side. "Huh?"

"_Don't—"_

_STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP!_

"—_let him—"_

_ZOOOOOOOM!_

"—**_SEDUCE YOU_**_!"_

_WHAMF!_

In a heroic frenzy, Lloyd tackles Colette to the ground.

_CRASH!_

"Eek!"

"Urgh..."

A pause.

Zelos blinks. "Sweet! Live action!"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk – On the Other Side**

"..."

"..."

"Rrrgghh!"

"Hmph!"

"Grrrrr!"

"Nnghh!"

"_Hyah!"_

"_ARGH!"_

_WHAM!_

"Ow!" Rodyle picks up his limp arm with his other hand and waves it around weakly. "You always play so hard, Magnius..."

Magnius smirks. "I'm not mean! You're just a sissy."

Yuan raises an eyebrow from where he's sitting as the match judge. "I have to say, I'm not sure if I should've let that last-minute Fire Ball slide..."

Magnius ignores him and continues to revel in his victory, doing something that looks like a cross between the 'butter churner' and the 'wheelbarrow.'

Rodyle growls. "Can _no one_ usurp Magnius from his throne as 'King of the Arm-Wrestlers'? Because it's getting really annoying to see his victory dance over and over again. You'd think after 200 wins, he'd revise it already..."

"Just be thankful that he's not doing his 'Jamaican Macarena' anymore," Botta says.

Rodyle crosses his eyes and pretends to keel over.

"Let me try," Pronyma croons, shoving Rodyle out of his seat. She extends a hand. "I'm good at this type of thing!"

"Yeah, right," Kvar drones sarcastically. "You can do it..._Pron_."

"_Don't call me that, you pathetic excuse for a skinhead!_"

"Nyeh heh heh..." Magnius cackles. "Bring it, Pronnie!"

"Why you—"

"Hang on a moment," Yuan says, looking grim. He takes Pronyma's hand and flips it over for all to see.

Silence.

Pronyma giggles nervously. "My, my...how'd those pushpins get between my fingers?"

"Oho," Magnius chuckles. "I always knew you were a dirty player, but this—?"

"What's _that _supposed to mean?"

Magnius snickers.

Yuan smacks a palm to his forehead. "Ay gevalt."

"Well, let's try this again, shall we?" Pronyma holds out her other hand.

Magnius moves to take it—

"Hold it," Yuan says. Again he takes Pronyma's hand and shows it to everyone.

"A _gag buzzer?_" Rodyle exclaims.

"Not just any gag buzzer!" Pronyma bubbles excitedly. "It's Gag-A-Zapper 3400, the latest model from Cruxis™! Lord Yggdrasill gave it to me." She flutters her eyelashes at the newly revived Mithos.

Mithos merely arches an eyebrow before going back to reading a Genis/Mithos doujinshi.

"Argh." Yuan bangs a makeshift gavel—his coffee mug—on the table. "You're disqualified from today's tournament, Pronyma. Trying to cheat twice in a row! You oughta be ashamed."

"Say," Botta whispers to Yuan. "That's sort of like what she did with Kvar and Lord Yggdrasill, right?"

Yuan rolls his eyes. "As if she were ever going out with Mithos in the first place."

"_What!_" Pronyma shrieks. "You _dare_ question the holy bond between myself and Yggdrasill?"

Yuan and Botta look at each other. "Denial," they say in unison.

"Give it a rest, Pron," Forcystus says, calmly sipping his coffee. "Is it our fault you can't score with anyone? I mean, if you'd just toss the Alcyone digs..."

"Right, and if you'd just dump the Tidus costume, maybe I'd consider letting myself share the same oxygen molecules as you!"

Forcystus chokes on his drink. "And where did you get the idea that I'd even _want_ to share molecules with a powdered banshee like _you_?"

"Rrrgh!" Pronyma noisily hops up onto the table, knocking over Kratos' coffee mug in the process. "You won't live to regret that insult!_ Agorazium!_"

_SHWEEEEN!_

A white magic circle suddenly appears in the middle of the table and explodes in a blast of light, sending people and food flying in all directions. Unnamed bystanders, coffee house veterans, and cameo characters duck for cover under tables or newspapers...or skirts.

"Hey!" Kratos yells indignantly, shaking a fist. "First you spill my coffee, and then you obliterate my pastries? Remember, I'm higher up than you—_I CAN CALL LORD YGGDRASILL BY HIS FIRST NAME!"_

"Shove it, Rocky," Pronyma says, weaving another spell. "I'll deal with you later. But for now..."She flings out a hand. _"_Hope you aren't afraid of the dark, Cyst Boy! _Dark Sphere!_"

Forcystus easily dodges with a backflip. "Is that all you've got, Pron?" he taunts, readying his own attack. _"Cyclone!"_

_FWWWWSH-FWWWWSH!_

Pronyma sidesteps the deadly winds and starts to retaliate with _Prism Sword_—

_BONK!_

A hardcover book makes loud contact with her skull. Pronyma teeters for a few moments before slumping to the ground, out cold. _THUNK!_

Forcystus blinks.

"Hey!" Zelos says angrily, standing up on a chair with his arms crossed. "Do you mind keeping it down, losers? I'm trying to teach over here, you know!"

Forcystus bends down, picks up the book, and reads the title out loud. "_Rules About Using Whipped Cream_...?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MINI-SERIES: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Two_**

Secret Agent Genis Sage sprints with superhuman speed down the long halls of Mana Enterprises, trying to reach his fellow agents Beach Boy and Ironing Board in time to save them from a grisly death. He zips through teleporters, kicks down doors, and smashes the occasional window to get to where he needs to go, his trenchcoat billowing behind him all the while.

_I can't believe that Project Ribbon is already on the loose!_ he mentally berates himself as he effortlessly disables door locks and violently dismantles down low-level robots sent to castrate him and use the remains for their own power source. _And of all people...he would..._

_ZZZT! ZZZT! ZZZT!_

White-hot laser shots whiz past his temples as he runs. Genis turns around and delivers a lethal roundhouse kick to one unlucky robot. He grabs another flying robot, slides under it, whirls around on his fanny, and hurls the robot into an oncoming swarm of other robots.

_CRASH!_

The collision causes a domino effect for two miles down the halls.

_No, I shouldn't be surprised,_ Genis thinks, jumping to his feet and brushing himself off. _I didn't like him from the beginning. He was so blatantly suspicious it was illegal. But Ironing Board—the Buddha bless her vulva—convinced me to let him have a chance. She helped me...to believe in people again. To believe in pure souls...to believe that people truly are good inside...to believe that good will prevail in the end. _He clenches his fists. _But now...now I only believe in a world where the good people are forced to rot for eternity and the evil merely wither away like supermodels without silicone and Botox! AND FURTHERMORE—_

"Yeesh, could ya _think_ any louder?" Sheena emerges from around the corner (BOUNCE!), rubbing her temples. "You blew out my cerebral eardrums."

Genis raises an eyebrow. "Still having problems controlling your psionic powers, Wow?"

Sheena sighs. (BOUNCE!) "Yeah, after that incident with the slug juice, my mental control hasn't been the same. You know that."

"That's true, but you've been meditating for hours on end to get it back online. Never mind that. Where are Loudmouth and Dandy?"

The quasi-Asian femme fatale bites her lip and straightens out some wrinkles in her leather cheongsam dress. "Loudmouth went off on his own not long after we broke into the executive wing, saying he remembered something important he had to do from the last time he was here. Dandy followed him..." She breaks off and looks at Genis seriously. "Easter Sunday...where's Passable Chef?"

"Listen." Genis grabs Sheena by the hands. "We've been betrayed. Project Ribbon is on the loose and she's already gotten to Beach Boy and Ironing Board. I had to leave Passable Chef to retrieve the Derris Files. We need to go to the shipping hold to help out Beach Boy and Ironing Board."

Sheena gasps. (BOUNCE! BOUNCE!) "Project Ribbon? A-already?"

Genis nods.

"N-no..." Sheena shakes her head. "It can't be...who would...?"

"You know who it is," Genis says, letting go of Sheena. "We all knew from the beginning...but we wouldn't admit it...because we wanted so badly to _believe_ again..."

"Arrrrgh!" Sheena pulverizes a gun-proof window with her brass knuckles. "I c-can't believe it," she moans. "We were duped..."

"We can't dwell on that now," Genis says. "I trust that Passable Chef has gotten or is in the process of getting the Derris Files. Wow, how are your teleportation skills?"

"Right now? I wouldn't trust them farther than I could throw a horse."

"And given your super strength from that chemical accident three years ago, you could throw a horse pretty darn far. Do you think you can manage to teleport the both of us to the shipping hold? It's not too far from here, but I'd prefer to save as much time as possible."

"I...I can try. You know the drill."

Genis nods, and proceeds to wrap his arms tightly around Sheena. (SQUISH!) "Ready when you are, Wow."

Sheena clenches her eyes shut. "Concentrating...concentrating..." The two spies begin to glow with a mystical light. "_RRRAAAGHHH!"_ Sheena throws her arms up (BOUNCE!) and the two disappear in a flash of neon green.

Meanwhile, a dark, traitorous shadow oozes past their teleportation point and lets out a malicious laugh.

"**_Mwheheheheheeeh..._**_"_

_**(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)**_

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Newlyweds – Genis and Presea**

"Presea, honey, what would you like me to cook for dinner tonight?"

"..."

"Oh, your favorite, roast chicken with peas and mashed potatoes? Hehehe...I think I can do that! And how about dessert, are you in the mood for some dessert tonight? I've got a few luscious recipes I'm just dying to try out..."

"..."

"What's that? The tiramisu, you say? But we had that last time!"

"..."

"Mmmm...of course. It brings out the kitty in you. Rawr! Tiramisu it is, then, with extra chocolate! And whipped cream..."

"..."

"Hahahaha..."

"..."

"Ahah..."

"..."

"...you know, it gets really tiring having to pretend that you're telepathic all the time."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: I'm Not Cleaning That Up**

In a generic family room somewhere...

"So what if this thing is powered by Exspheres?" Zelos says cheerfully, clicking through hentai sites on his computer. "Look at all of this! Just freakin' look! This is pure and juicy _gold!_ Exspheres for...hehe...'nice' spheres? I'd say that's a fair trade-off any day! Hoo-ha! Who's your pimp daddy _now?"_

Sheena crosses her arms and faces the camera. "As far as Zelos is concerned, 'PC' only means 'personal computer to use for downloading porn.'" She smirks. "Of course, there's porn...and then there's _porn_..."

"Mwahaha! I love this! This is the best thing ev—wait a minute..." Zelos peers closer at the monitor. "Why does this site have me necking with Genis?"

Sheena doubles over in laughter.

Zelos' eyes switch sides and fall out through his nose before his head shatters like an antique porcelain vase under pressure.

_CR-RACKK!_

_SHRASHH!_

Pieces of Zelos' head rain smokily to the ground.

His decapitated corpse tumbles off the bright pink computer chair. _THUMP!_

"I'm not cleaning that up," Genis says, safely browsing sites about spell-casting on his HP Pavilion laptop.

Presea quietly picks out a shard of Zelos' cheek from her pigtails, flicks it out the window, and goes back to reading _Lolita_.

"Ugh..." Raine groans, getting up from the sofa. "Fine, I'll do it." She trots off to the kitchen to retrieve her trusty deck mop, newly acquired from Luin.

Lloyd blinks as he's slurping a cup of instant ramen. "Huh? Can't Sheena just, like, summon the Sylph to blow away all of the pieces?"

"Hmm?" Sheena looks up from surfing on Zelos' computer, where there's some Sheena/Zelos hentai on the screen. "Did you say something, Lloyd?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk –Oh Tee Pee?**

"Come on, Lloyd!" Raine says. "Be a man! Settle this once and for all! Who's your soul mate?"

Lloyd blushes and stares into his latte. "W-well...I..."

"It's gotta be Colette," Genis says. "Come on! It was there right from the very beginning! Yeah, it was fluffier than cotton candy run through the dryer, but..."

Colette smiles obliviously.

"Surely Sheena's own affections have to mean _something,_" Regal says. "The subtle hints she's been dropping Lloyd..."

"The key word here is 'subtle,'" Genis says, looking smug. "Lloyd doesn't _do_ subtle."

"Eheheh..." Lloyd scratches the back of his neck. "Actually, it'd be really weird if I had to go with Sheena..."

Sheena pouts.

"Hmm?" Raine asks. "May I ask why?"

"'Cause...well...I th-thought she was a guy at first!"

Raine, Regal, and Genis stare at Lloyd.

"_WHAT!"_ Sheena exclaims, totally baffled.

"How could you miss_ these?"_ Zelos demands, squeezing Sheena's chest.

Sheena bitch-slaps Zelos halfway across the coffeehouse. He lands on the cash register.

_CRASH! CHA-CHING!_

"Well, y'see..." Lloyd blushes even more. "Dad smacked me every time he caught me staring at a girl's chest...so I kinda avoided staring at everyone's chest just in case."

"..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**RAINE CHECK PLZ**_


	4. Spam and Spam

**SKIT: Things Lloyd Is No Longer Allowed to Do**

"Take this!" Lloyd shouts, swinging the Angel's Tear. "_Psi Tempest!"_

_SW-SWOOSH!_

Kratos manages to block with his sword before rolling into a forward somersault to deflect the rest of the energy. He quickly turns around and unleashes a magic attack. "_Grave Blade!"_

_RRRMBL!_

_SLASH!_

_SLASH!_

Lloyd gets caught in right in the middle of the spell. He keels over, groaning. "Argh...that smarts..." he groans, holding his stomach.

"Oh, no!" Colette gasps from the side. "Lloyd!"

Sheena clenches her eyes shut and turns away. "No...he's totally getting pummeled..."

"You're too pessimistic, Sheena!" Zelos says, grinning and placing his hands behind his head. "Wait and see. The ol' bud's got an ace up his sleeve!"

Sheena raises a hand to smack him. "How can you be so damn _cheerful_ about all this?"

"Whoah, hey!" Zelos inches away. "I'm just trying to keep my cool here. Besides, don't you have any faith in him? Just watch."

Sheena purses her lips and lowers her arm.

Meanwhile...

Kratos steps up to Lloyd and brandishes his blade. "What's the matter, boy?" he says coldly. "I thought you weren't holding back this time!"

"Nngh..." Lloyd staggers to his feet, using the Angel's Tear as a crutch to help himself up. "I'm...n-not...holding back!" he insists, gritting his teeth.

Kratos arches an amused eyebrow. "You don't say? Then show me what you've got!"

Lloyd growls. "All right, then." He gets into a battle stance. "You asked for it!"

Kratos readies himself.

_FLASH!_ Lloyd's form shimmers white. "Watch this!" he yells. "Acquired Technique—_**DEMONIC WEDGIE BLADE**! HYAH!"_

_FLIP!_

_SWSSH!_

_FWWIPP!_

_YANK!_

"Daaah!" Kratos drops—swirly-eyed—to the ground.

_FWUMP! _

Birdies prance around his head. There's also a fairly small hole in the back of his pantsuit where Lloyd's sword snagged him, revealing a pair of tighty-whities.

"Hah!" Lloyd tumbles through the air and lands stylishly behind the reeling Kratos. He strikes a pose. "Boo-ya!"

Sheena stares, sweatdropping. "N-no way..."

"See?" Zelos cheers. "What'd I tell you?"

"Dude," Genis mutters, looking disturbed. "That _can't_ have been a real Technique..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**OUTTAKE: And A-Lloyding We Will Go**

"Lloyd, would you like some more cake?"

"Oh, certainly, Lloyd! You know, this cake has a most fascinating history behind it. I do believe it was first conceived not long after the reign of King Laksar in what are now the Triet Ruins...oh, Lloyd, would _you_ like some more cake?"

"Mmm...thank you very much, Lloyd! I love the doggie design on the icing! Hehehe..."

"...Lloyds, I believe th-that...these swords make me feel...c-cute."

"Aww! You're so cuuuute, Lloyd!"

"I am...truly being cute?"

"You've always been cute, Lloyd, but now you simply radiate with cuteness! It's almost akin to a battle aura!"

"I wish I could be as cute as you."

"...I am...being cute..."

Colette, Raine, Presea, and Sheena are all sitting around backstage of a Tales of Symphonia set piece wearing identical Lloyd outfits. There's a dish heaped with slices of cake on the floor along with a few other edible goodies that the girls are pigging out on after a hard day's work.

"Hehe..." Sheena leans back and takes a swig of some apple cider. "I could get used to this!"

"Now I understand why Lloyd wears these all the time," Colette says. "They're so comfy!"

"Loose-fitting...made of a comfortable material...and covers up well," Raine muses, thoughtfully licking some icing off her fork. "All in all, extremely practical, except for these white adornments on the collar. But, perhaps, they are meant as a distraction to the enemy...?"

Presea studies the blades at her sides. "Dual-sword style," she intones. "Effective in defense and warding off multiple opponents. Requires mostly upper-body strength, good spatial awareness, and an ability to keep one's center of balance."

Lloyd suddenly wanders into the conversation wearing nothing but a **_BIG BLACK CENSORED BAR_**. "Hey...have any of you guys seen my clothes?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: It Goes Great With Rice! It Goes Great On Bread!**

It's morning in Sylvarant. Lloyd, Raine, Kratos, Genis, and Colette are camped out right outside the Triet Ruins.

"Hey," Raine calls as she's brushing her hair. "Does anyone know whose turn it is to cook breakfast?"

"Anyone but Raine's," Lloyd mutters to Colette.

_WHHSH!_

_BONK!_

A frying pan makes its home in Lloyd's hair. He falls over, temporarily stunned.

Kratos snorts a laugh.

"Umm...I think it's Genis' turn," Colette says, giving Lloyd an odd look. "Are you okay, Lloyd? Do you need help?"

"Nah. I can eat sand just fine by myself."

Colette pouts, but she daintily plucks off the frying pan and puts it on her own head as a makeshift bonnet.

"Yes! I love cooking duty!" Genis cheers, jumping up. He happily grabs the food sack and some cooking utensils. "So, what'll it be, guys?"

Lloyd sits up and rubs the back of his head. He brushes a few sand grains off his tongue. "What do we have?"

Genis peeks into the food bag. "Looks like we've got...bacon and eggs, bacon, sausage, and eggs, bacon, sausage, and Spam, Spam, eggs, and sausage, and Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, and Spam."

"Hmm," Lloyd muses, rubbing his chin. "I don't really like Spam."

"How about Spam, eggs, sausage, and Spam?" Genis says. "That doesn't have much Spam in it."

"Nah, that's okay. Why don't we just go with bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam without the Spam?"

"Ugh!" Genis crosses his arms. "Lloyd, you idiot! You can't have bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam without the Spam!"

"Why not?"

"'Cause then it wouldn't be bacon, eggs, sausage, and Spam!"

Lloyd looks sad. "Aww...but I don't want any Spam!"

"Don't worry," Kratos speaks up from where he's sitting under a tree. "I'll have your Spam. I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, and Spam."

Suddenly...

_WHSSH!_

Kratos flings off his cloak to reveal an outlandish Viking costume, complete with spiked helmet.

"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam," he chants, dancing around. "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Sp—"

_ZZZZOOOM!_

_SWISH!_

Zelos Wilder swoops in via jet pack and slices Kratos' head off.

_THWACK!_

It tumbles into the entrance of Triet Ruins.

Zelos wipes some sweat away from his brow and sheathes his sword. "Gawds," he mutters. "That was really annoying." And he flies off again in a burst of blue rocket fire.

Raine faces the camera. "Spam skit raped and mutilated from Monty Python," she drones in a nasal schoolmarm voice.

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: The Mask of Zelos**

"Ahahaha! _¡Sí, señoritas, yo soy solo!"_

"Mmm...I love a man who can do more with tongues than just—hehe—make out..."

"_¡Te amo tambien!"_

"Ooh..."

"_J-je t'aime aussi, monsieur!"_

"He's Spanish, you dolt, not French!"

"Pfft! Close enough! Both are...the languages of love..."

"Hehehehe!"

"_¿Vosotros querais a ver mi 'espada'?_"

"I have no idea what he just said, but I bet it was hot!"

"Say more, _por favor!"_

"Hey, that rhymes! I bet he's a poet. Are you a poet, _Señor?"_

"_¡Sí, claro que si! Yo soy algo para ti..._hehe..._"_

Genis makes a face at the sight of three familiar young women fawning all over Zelos—the Three Stoogettes as the group had taken to calling them. "Wasn't the point of the mask to make sure that something like this _wouldn't_ happen whenever we visited Meltokio?"

Sheena rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. "It was working just fine until the idiot Chosen decided to turn this into some overtly sexual Zorro act."

"I didn't know he could speak another language!" Colette says, amazed.

"He can't," Raine replies dryly. "Everything he learned, he learned from Altavista."

"_¡Venais conmigo, señoritas¡Yo te voy a mostrar un tiempo muy bien!" _Zelos starts to walk off to his mansion. He throws a smile at the group. "_¡Hasta la vista, amigos!"_

"He _really_ pisses me off sometimes," Sheena growls, clenching a fist.

"Calm down," Regal says, placing a hand on Sheena's shoulder. "Perhaps...there is a more esoteric reason for his behavior...and the mask."

"Eso-what?" Lloyd asks. "Isn't that, like, the outer covering of a crab or something?"

"That's 'exoskeleton', Lloyd," Raine gently corrects him. "But I'm amazed! You actually remembered something like that!"

"Aw, gee, Professor..."

"That's not what I was referring to," Regal says, amused, "but in light of what I was thinking, it fits in quite nicely."

"How so?" Raine says.

"My theory is that the mask is a tangible representation of the Chosen's desire to simply hide away from the world."

Sheena snickers. "It's one butt-ugly mask. I'd hide, too, if I were wearing that thing."

"Consider this..." A dramatic guitar solo in the key of A-minor starts playing softly in the background as Regal speaks. A spotlight shines on him, and the rest of the group watches him, transfixed. "A young man born out of an arranged marriage in the aristocracy. Much is expected of him, but he is not particularly talented or gifted. In fact, he is rather ordinary. Now this would be nothing to shake a shackle at in normal circumstances. But when this rather ordinary young man is named as the Chosen of Mana, it stirs up much difficulty and distress both for himself and those around him. He is too keenly aware of the disappointment his seemingly worthless presence brings upon the hopeful. It is not truly his fault, but he still blames himself for the unhappiness of these individuals, because...well...he exists. He is also painfully cognizant that there is one person who is much better suited to be the Chosen than he is, both in ability and mindset...and that is his own flesh and blood. Or half of it, at least. He is a prime example of the cruelty and illogic of Fate. When worst came to absolutely insane and Fate fell into drunken hysterics, the cosmos ended up with...Zelos Wilder."

Presea appears from behind Regal, wearing a lacy black dress reminiscent of a gothic Lolita crossed with a fandango dancer. She has a bright red rose blossom in each of her pigtails, and a black veil covers her delicate features. She clicks some castanets together and twirls in the background.

"The hideous nature of the aforementioned mask symbolizes the loathing Zelos feels for himself because he believes he cannot live up to the expectations of the role of Chosen. Even more...he does not wish to be the Chosen and finds it a most restricting position. But he cannot let these sentiments be known; they are not 'Chosen-like.' No, these emotions are too strong, too personal, and too painful for him to reveal to the world. Furthermore, their expression does him no good in a heartless society like this. So he locks them away in the dungeon of his soul, leaving them for the astral maggots to feed and breed on. As they rot and decompose, so does his spirit. Unwillingly he's carried with the currents of the status quo, and yet to survive, he must go with the flow. Fighting it only wears him down."

Presea casts a few sultry looks over her shoulder as she clacks out a few sharp notes on the castanets. She marches to and fro in a solo tango.

"While he wrestles with intrinsic worth and personal desires, he puts on the mask, to continue the analogy, of extreme self-assurance and self-esteem. Here, the interplay of internal emotions with outward expression is like an inverse proportion—the further his self-esteem drops, the more his external conceit increases. Or, if you are more literary-minded, it is almost an antithetical chiasmus. The intensity of his self-hatred is mirrored in the level of his superficial self-love."

Presea continues her interpretive dance, kicking up her feet every so often and dramatically throwing back her head. Her ruffled skirt swishes soulfully. Her stiletto heels click in time with her castanets.

"This ties into what I believe is the main function of the metaphorical mask. It is a brilliantly simple defense mechanism for his frail, wounded heart. It differentiates those who have only a passing interest in him from those who truly wish to know him. Most, who are probably the last kinds of people he needs in his life, will be satisfied with the facade and will likely believe that that is all there is. However, there will be a few who will wonder what lies behind that mask, and maybe one will be lucky enough to be allowed to peek under it. Or even...to have Zelos himself remove the mask and show his true face by his own volition. What that would take, even I could not imagine. But surely it will be someone who recognizes the soul instead of the mask...someone who could help him pick up the bloodied pieces of his existence and put them together in a beautiful jigsaw puzzle as the answer to the ultimate question of life."

Presea pulls a fan out from her bustier and flutters it coyly.

"Whatever your intellectual pleasure, it cannot be denied that Zelos Wilder is a multi-faceted, complex character. He is a paradox on par with Prince Hamlet and even resorts to the same manipulation of language to hide and deceive, though Mr. Wilder takes a different approach than the Prince of Denmark. In conclusion, to assign to him the spirit and dimension of a paper doll is a sin akin to that...of m-murder..."

With this sentence, Presea slowly falls to her knees, clutching her fan to her chest. She flings her arms to the sky in one final swan song, sending the fan flying into the air, and then leans back onto the ground as if dead.

The music fades away.

The fan falls from the sky and clatters on the ground next to her limp, pale hand.

The spotlight disappears.

Presea silently gets up, picks up the fan, and goes to change.

A hush falls over the group as they consider Regal's words.

"...well, gee," Genis mutters, scratching his head. "I never really thought of it like that before."

"Yeah," Lloyd agrees. "Who knew that smart people talked about him?"

"I have never heard anyone's character so vividly dissected," Raine says, impressed.

Sheena looks down, her hands folded. "M-maybe...maybe he's not so animalistic after all. Maybe all he truly wants..."

"Is just to be loved..." continues Raine.

"For who he is..." says Genis.

"And not..." Colette murmurs.

"For wh-what he was chosen..." Lloyd finishes thoughtfully.

Contemplative silence.

An eastern wind blows.

Everyday chatter litters the streets of wealthy Meltokio.

Local dogs bark out their usual cacophonies of canine doom.

Estrogen-laden giggling floats in from one of the open windows of the Wilder mansion, along with a few words of badly pronounced Spanish.

And Time screeches to a halt.

_SKRRRRRRRRRRRCH!_

"Nah," everyone says in unison, shaking their heads.

Time resumes its daily ambulation.

Suddenly, there's a crash from inside the mansion. The front doors fly open, and out stomp the Three Stoogettes, chattering angrily.

Raine blinks. "Well...that's a first," she remarks. "I wonder what happened?"

"Ehehe..." Sheena simpers. "Well, I did prepare something for those three the last time we were here...call it the seeds of rumor..."

Zelos' badly-accented 'Spanish' voice booms out over a megaphone. "Sheeeeena! _You got some 'splaining to do!_"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MINI-SERIES: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Three_**

Secret Agent Raine Sage is half-kneeling before Martel Yggdrasill with a space-age rifle aimed at the middle of her forehead.

Martel smiles evilly.

"Too slow."

She pulls the trigger.

Raine gasps—

_PHWAM!_

—and leans back Matrix-style to avoid the photon shot. She catches herself in a backbreaking backbend and swiftly brings up a stiletto-booted foot right into Martel's crotch.

_WHAM!_

"AAAH!" Martel screams.

Raine uses the momentum of her attack to backflip herself into a fighting stance. "Too sexy, you mean," she says, grinning.

"Rrrrghh..." Martel staggers around dazedly, clutching her nether regions. "You'll pay for that, Raine Ginevra Carmelita Rosemary Sage of Heimdall City!"

"As if!" Raine whips out her laser pistols, two in each hand. "You corporate leeches already took all of my Gald!"

"Then I'll just make sure you get some Gald—_as Satan's anal whore!_" Martel unleashes her weapons in a feminine rage.

_PHWAM! PHWAM! PHWAM! PH-PH-PHWAM!_

Raine utilizes all her training as a gymnast and deftly flips, somersaults, and vaults off various places in the hallway to avoid Martel's deranged gunfire. As she evades the next assault from her eternal adversary, she fires off a few rounds on her laser pistols.

_SPANG! SPANG! SPANG! SPANG! SPANG!_

The first few shots miss Martel by a mile, but one manages to burn itself through her side. She screams again and doubles over.

Raine flips her hair back and points a pistol at Martel. "Give it up, Marty. We're going to bring down this evil organization once and for all, and there's nothing you can do to stop us."

Martel giggles. "Oh, Raine, you're so cutely naïve sometimes. I used to like that about you, you know. Now, it's just like an STD: _annoying, bad for your health, and with no cure!_" She straightens up and throws a right hook to Raine's cheek.

_WHAP!_

Then a left hook.

_WHAP!_

And finally, she drives a foot straight into Raine's chest.

_BAM!_

Raine flies backward into the core control room of Mana Enterprises. She crashes into the round control panel in the center of the room.

Martel saunters through the door, rifles in hand. "Don't think I don't know what you're here for, sweetie," she drones. "The Derris Files, right?"

Raine glares, rubbing her bruised cheeks. "What's it to you?" she mutters, picking out another wedgie.

"Oh, I don't know...perhaps that they contain all of my sweet younger brother's maliciously delicious plans for taking over the world? And, perhaps, the records of Mana Enterprises' double-dealings that would tarnish our untarnished reputation in the business world and completely shut us down, thereby cutting off the funding we so desperately need to continue our dastardly deeds? And...gasp! Maybe even the rough draft of my very...first...fanfiction! It still needs to be beta-read, you know."

"I'd have done it if you hadn't been such a bitch about British spelling versus American spelling!"

"Ah, shut up!" Martel says, brandishing one rifle. "It won't matter if you can get the Derris Files from here or not, anyway! You can't open them without the Kharlan Code!"

Raine crosses her arms. "And what if I already have the Kharlan Code?"

Martel stops in her tracks. "You're bluffing," she says in disbelief.

"Call it, then," Raine replies, her blue eyes sparkling. "I found it while rummaging through your lingerie drawer that one time in your condo."

Martel's eyes widen. "You...you..." Her body shakes. "I can't believe you! Even when we were...you were—?"

Raine shrugs nonchalantly. "_C'est la vie, ma cherie._"

"Grrrrr!" Martel tenses her arms. "That's it! It's die time for you, you double-dipping spawn of Sappho!" She releases a second wave of fire from her metallic rifles.

_PHWAAAAAAAAAAAAM!_

Raine dives to the ground. The white-hot plasma swings in an arc just above the ends of her hair.

_Oh, no!_ she thinks frantically. _If I stay here any longer, she's going to destroy the computers here! Then I can't get the Derris Files!_

"Mwahahahahahaha!" Martel cackles. "Eat righteous photon fire, oh treacherous weasel!"

Raine swiftly gets up and makes a run for the door.

"Uh, uh! Not so fast!" Martel aims high and fires.

_PHWAM! PHWAM!_

Two large metal pods crash down in front of Raine, effectively blocking her escape route.

Raine turns around and scowls. "Damn you, Martel."

"It's just you and me, sweetheart..." Martel whispers, baring her canines. "Just like it should be..."

_**(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)**_

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**RAINE CHECK PLZ**_


	5. Treachery and the Asylum

**MINI-SERIES: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Four _**

_VWWWHIPPP!_

Secret Agent Genis Sage and his psychic comrade Sheena Fujibayashi materialize in a flash of neon green light on top of a few crates in the shipping hold of Mana Enterprises.

"Nngh..." Sheena wobbles slightly, looking dizzy.

"Wow!" Genis quickly catches her. "Are you okay?"

"I'll b-be fine," Sheena mumbles, panting a bit. (BOUNCE!) "That took a lot more out of me th-than I thought..."

"You should probably stay behind and rest a bit."

"Are you kidding? Sitting out the last five minutes of the championship game? You know that's not my style, Easter Sunday."

Genis crosses his arms. "Believe me, I've worked with you long enough to know how incredibly stubborn you are. Don't get me wrong; I admire you for your resolution. You've got bigger balls than some of us men in the Symphonia S.W.A.T...and I'm not talking about your mammary glands."

Sheena laughs softly. (BOUNCE!)

"But this mission is _it_. It's all or nothing. We can't afford any more mistakes. Our little turncoat has already nudged the apocalyptic clock a little closer to midnight with his antics. I don't mean to sound harsh, Wow, but the volatility of your powers at this point could be a _big_ liability."

Sheena looks away. "I...I know," she says. "And I'm sorry. I've meditated practically 25 hours a day to get them to this level of control, which is barely half of what it was before. But as pathetic as that is...I'm still going to fight, because we're all in this together. I p-promise I'll take it easy."

A pause.

"All right," Genis says. "We are, indeed, all in this together. But remember..._take it easy._"

Sheena nods. "Understood." She grins. "Now, what do you say we go kick some butt?"

_FWOOOOM!_

A mini rocket missile suddenly explodes above Genis and Sheena. They immediately leap off the crates and just barely miss being hit by another missile.

_FWOOOOOOM-BLAAMMM!_

"Heh," Genis says, landing on the concrete floor. "Looks like the butt is coming to us. Wow, do you see Ironing Board or Beach Boy anywh—"

"_Yaaaah!"_ Colette flies past Genis in a blur and lands in a pile of foam shipping peanuts. "Oof...my back..."

"Ironing Board!" Genis quickly goes to help Colette up. "Are you..."

"Watch out!" Colette shrieks.

Genis turns around to find three more missiles headed straight for him and Colette. "Oh, sh—!"

"Hah!" Sheena jumps in front of Genis and Colette (BOUNCE!) and flings out her arms. Her palms glow a hot emerald. The missiles shine green for a brief moment before being flung in different directions.

_BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!_

"Nicely done, as usual," Genis remarks, charging his pistols. "Ironing Board, what happened to Beach Boy?"

"He g-got knocked out!" Colette points before switching her gun for some compact disk-shaped explosives hidden in her leather bustier. "I've been trying to hold her off the best I can on my own, but she's really strong!"

Over by one of the ports lies the unconscious body of Lloyd, covered in various pieces of junk. His family heirloom and weapons of choice—a pair of samurai swords—are scattered across the ground. He's bleeding, but it doesn't look too serious.

"Dammit!" Genis sprints to Lloyd's side, snatching up the blades in the process. He kneels down beside him. "Beach Boy! Beach Boy, can you hear me?"

Lloyd groans faintly.

"Argh!" Genis searches his coat pockets frantically. "Wow, can you cover for me while I deal with Beach Boy?"

"Sure thing," Sheena replies.

_VWEEM!_

A semi-transparent green shield bubble covers Genis and Lloyd.

"I'll help too!" Colette runs over to Genis and Lloyd, explosives at the ready. "Get away, you evil, bad, horrible, mean person, you!" She hurls two explosives into the air.

_KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!_

Genis finally manages to find a vial of clear liquid in the black hole of his trenchcoat—a healing elixir. He lifts Lloyd into a semi-sitting position and tips the contents of the vial into Lloyd's mouth. "Come on, man...wake up..."

One second.

Two seconds.

Three.

Four.

Five...

Lloyd lurches a bit, choking and coughing violently. His eyes fly open. He twists his head to the side and spits out the rest of the liquid. "Wh-what the hell did I ever do to you to deserve _that_?" he demands, wiping his mouth with his arm.

"You could've died on me, that's what." Genis caps the vial and puts it away.

"Blah." Lloyd makes a face. "That was one of Passable Chef's concoctions, wasn't it? Works like a charm but tastes like crap."

"You're welcome, Beach Boy. Where is she?"

"Who?"

"Project Ribbon."

_BLAM!_

"Eeek!" Colette's blown to the floor by another rocket attack.

"Augh!" Sheena groans, sweating furiously. "I hope you guys are done already, 'cause I can't keep her caged up forever!"

Lloyd gulps. "Um...try 'right behind you'?"

Genis whirls, peering through the slowly fading shield. There, in all her cute, pink pig-tailed, four foot six glory, is none other than Presea Combatir. But not just any Presea. No, this was a steel-alloyed, no-stringed puppet Presea, a walking WMD with plutonium blood running through her artificial veins.

Genis gets up, his face the epitome of grimness. "So, this is what you've come to...eh, Presea?"

Presea only gazes robotically upon Genis.

Genis shakes his head. "It...pains...me to say this, but...you got what was coming to you. A brilliant member of our squad who ended up selling us out three years ago for a mere 400 Gald and a free season pass to Six Flags Great America. But you were a desperate girl as well...only trying to save your family from a horrific end that came to them anyway. Tragedies like yours, I'm sad to say, have become the norm. You don't deserve this, to walk this world only as an automaton of doom..." He grits his teeth. "Our mission tonight was not only to save the world...but also to save you from your fatalistic fate. You should still be sleeping peacefully for all eternity in your glass cocoon, never to be awakened...for you didn't go to sleep to dream." He takes a step and clenches a fist to his heart. "The Gods damn me for my foolishness; I've committed two crimes already. One was to place my trust in a born traitor. The second...was to continue loving _you_..."

"_dOeS nOt CoMpUtE,"_ intones Presea. A rocket launcher pops out of her arm, and she aims it at Genis. "_tErMiNaTe ErRoR._"

_P-P-P-P-POW!_

Genis jerks to the side to avoid two rockets, then dives to the floor, rolls up to a handstand and springs off to dodge the rest. "Tell me, Presea!" he calls in mid-air. "Where is your twisted benefactor, the one who would wake you to eternal damnation in a crimson oblivion in the name of an inverse salvation? The one who would dare to claim that he even _knew_ the heart of Symphonia S.W.A.T.?"

"I'm right here, Genis." A familiar figure emerges from the smoke, smirking. "There's no need to yell."

Genis seethes and aims his laser pistol. "You..."

Regal walks forward and places a tender hand on Presea's shoulder. "Ah, yes, it _is_ me," he says. "Surprised?"

Genis snorts. "Hardly. I had you pegged from the beginning."

"Really? Then how come I was able to activate the lovely Project Ribbon here?"

Genis doesn't answer, but glares at Regal.

"You bastard!" Sheena yells from her perch atop a crane. "Where's Loudmouth?"

Regal laughs like a madman, throwing his head back and flaring his nostrils. "Oh, he's just taking a little nap..._**six feet under**! _Mweheheheheeegh!"

Genis freezes. "No...not another one..."

Tears start to form in Sheena's eyes. "N-no..." she breathes, falling to her knees. "No...it's not fair! _It's not fair!_" She clutches her head. "I...I p-pushed him away...and I...even h-hurt him bad...but I l-loved him...so much...and he...he n-never...knew..." Her eyes flare bright viridian. "_HE...NEVER...**KNEW**!"_

_SHH-RRACK!_

_CRASH!_

The glass windows explode in on themselves. Crates fly apart, scattering their contents everywhere. The lights blink on and off—the ones that haven't shattered, that is.

"Oh, no!" Colette screams. "The emotional overload is causing her to lose control of her powers!"

"Crap!" Genis holds up his arms to shield himself from flying debris. "Wow, get a hold of yourself!"

Sheena shrieks again.

_FLASH!_

The entire area is momentarily filled with a blinding green light. A psychic wind roars through the hold. Genis clenches his eyes shut and covers his face with his hands.

"Argh!" It's Lloyd's voice, garbled in all the commotion. "Wow, calm down! It's me...Beach Boy!"

Genis feels the chaos die down. He cautiously lifts his lids and looks over to where Sheena is currently crouched over. Lloyd has his arms around her and is talking to her in a soothing voice. They're both frazzled and slightly bloody.

"It's okay...it's okay..." Lloyd whispers. "We've all...been hurt...been betrayed..."

Sheena continues to sob. Lloyd gently strokes her back.

"I n-never...t-told him..." She hiccups. "It's not fair...I sh-should've stopped him b-back in the executive wing..."

Lloyd holds her closer. "There was nothing you could have done. You know how he is."

"I k-know...but..."

"..."

The two wounded souls embrace each other in a desperate cry for comfort.

Genis bows his head.

Regal smiles evilly.

Colette sniffles and rubs at her eyes with a Hello Kitty handkerchief.

Presea blinks.

And a generally somber mood settles over the scene.

Until...

"Hey, now! I turn my back and I find my best bud macking it up with my girl? What's this all about?"

A collective gasp.

Everyone turns their eyes upward.

"L-Loudmouth?" Sheena exclaims incredulously (BOUNCE!).

Zelos grins smugly from the rafters and salutes. "Thaaaaat's me!"

"How the hell did you get out?" Regal spits.

Zelos rolls his eyes. "Puh-leeze! After getting caught in that chemical accident three years ago—which, by the way, _you_ secretly caused in order to try and kill me and Wow—and training with Symphonia S.W.A.T.? Being chained up, encased in reinforced concrete, and tossed into the radioactive, corrosive waters of Lake Umacy 50 miles away from here wasn't even going to slow me down!" He narrows his eyes. "You know, you make a really lame bad guy."

"I'm doing my best with the script I have," Regal mutters in an undertone.

Zelos leaps down and lands next to Sheena. "Hey, girl," he croons. "Ain't nothin' can keep me from you for long, you know."

Sheena trembles emotionally. "You...you...you asshole!" she screams, her hands balled into fists. "You m-made me worry about y-you for nothing?"

"For _nothing_? Dude, I totally appreciate the sentiment!"

Sheena throws herself into Zelos' arms (SQUISH!), weeping loudly. Zelos shrugs and presses his lips to hers.

Genis wipes a lone tear from the corner of his eyes. "Ah...another unhappy ending thwarted." He turns his attention back to Regal. "Unfortunately, we still have another ending up in the air." He cocks his pistol. _CHK! _"You've got some explaining to do, mister."

_**(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)**_

ToS-ToS-ToS

**THE DOC IS IN: Yuan**

"So." Zelos leans forward on the overturned cardboard box—his makeshift stand. Above him is a cardboard sign where the words "Love Advice" are scrawled in red crayon, accented with a big red heart. A piece of paper taped to the front of the box reads "The Evangelist of Love is IN." "What love advice do you need today?"

Yuan fidgets nervously on the tiny wooden stool. "Well...it's about this girl, you see..."

"As always, as always. Go on, sweetie."

"And...I really, really like her..."

"How many times have I heard that one?"

Yuan sighs and gazes into the sky. "Ah, she's so beautiful...gentle green eyes that make me feel like I'm actually worth something in this cruel world...long, shimmering hair of the same verdant brilliance...a heart that reflects her exterior beauty..."

"Sounds like quite a catch there. Why don't you go for it? Opportunity seldom knocks twice."

Yuan looks around nervously. "I don't know wh-whether she likes me back or not..."

Zelos snickers. "You're not going to get anything accomplished just by sitting around! Go ask her! If she's as kind as you say she is, it couldn't hurt to tell her how you feel! You never know."

"Well, y'see, there's a little problem, though..."

"Oh?"

"She's kind of...sort of...you know..._"_

"Hmm?"

"..._dead._"

"Whoah there, bronco! Sorry to say this, but I just don't do necrophilia, m'kay? I stay away from that freaky-deaky stuff. That'll be five Gald, please."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**STAR-CROSSED LOVERS: Mithos and Lloyd**

"Hello, Cruxis Pizza Delivery! How may I help you?"

"Hey, there! What's up?"

"Wha—? _Inferior being! _How many times have I told you not to call me at work?"

"But...but Mithos-kun...!"

"Argh! You impossible...listen, if you hang up now, I'll let you handle the whipped cream tonight!"

"Really?"

"_Yes!_ Now get off the phone before I get fired!"

"Okay, I love you, buh-bye!"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SYMPHONIA SMACKDOWN: Katz Versus Noishe **

"And we're back for another round of fast and furious fighting between our group of contendable contenders!" Isaac shouts excitedly into the microphone up in the announcer's box, almost drowned out by the round of enthusiastic cheers from the audience. "It's only been a few fights in, but man I feel like _I'm_ the one who got the beatdown! Let's turn it over to Garet to see what's in store next! Garet?"

Down in the indoor arena, Garet taps his headpiece before speaking. "Is it on? Is it on? Testicles, one, two, three...testicles, one, two, three...ah, there we are." He grins. "Friends, Valeans, and hillbillies, have we got a treat for you! Our first few fights have been nothing short of spectacular, and it can only get better from here! This is only a novice cup, but some of these scuffles are definitely going down in the history books! The prodigy Mithos Yggdrasill has owned quite a number of inferior beings so far, no doubt about that. But it ain't over 'til it's over, folks! There are some nobodies here that could just as easily take him down!" He turns towards the arena. "And here's one of them now! From the 'village of oracles' with a degree in hair-o-dynamics, the sort-of inimitable..._Lloyd Irving!_"

Lloyd walks out from one of the side doors, waving at the audience. They return his greeting with loud cheers and hoots. Lloyd grins and takes his place on the floor.

Garet gestures to the other side of the arena. "And in this corner, also hailing from Iselia! He's 12 years old, but scary smart! Don't be surprised if this brat takes over a world someday! Though I wouldn't mind if he took over Weyard, 'cause his cooking skills are five-star! Let's give it up for..._Genis Sage!_"

The crowd roars with approval as the said adolescent trots confidently out onto the arena. Genis smirks at Lloyd, crossing his arms. "Now, just because I'm your best friend, don't think I'm going to go easy on you," he taunts.

Lloyd waves him off. "Right, and just because I like your food doesn't mean I'm not ready to royally whup your butt all the way to Derris-Kharlan right now! You'd better hope you can take the heat, because I'm kicking you straight out of the kitchen!"

Genis narrows his eyes menacingly. "Bring. It. _On._"

"We all know what the rules are, but I'll repeat them again in case some of you viewers are tuning in for the first time," Garet says. He clears his throat. "One NPC per trainer. First NPC to get KO'd or knocked out of the arena loses. Are we _ready?_"

Genis' and Lloyd's hands fly to the dual-colored capture spheres at their sides.

Garet blows a whistle and scurries out of the way. "Battle start!"

Lloyd snaps a sphere from his belt and flings it onto the arena. "Noishe! I choose you!"

_CL-CLACK!_

The capture sphere cracks open in a flash of light, and Noishe appears on the floor. He wags his tail and barks...if it could be called barking.

"As expected..." Genis throws a sphere out. "Go get him, Katz!"

_CL-CLACK!_

A Katz wearing a safari outfit stands before Noishe. She curls her claws and hisses.

Noishe growls even more and steps back, ready to spring—

"Katz!" Genis yells. "Use your 'Claw Whirlwind'!"

Katz kicks up with one of her legs and spins around, using her tail as a base, transforming herself into a furious tornado of fur. The feline windstorm zigzags her way across the floor.

Noishe's eyes grow wide. He jumps to avoid one attack, stumbles and rolls on the ground to miraculously avoid another strike, and hops around to evade the next few. But as Katz blazes past him, she manages to catch him on his shoulder, leaving a few red scratch marks. Noishe whines painfully.

"Noishe!" Lloyd calls. "Fly up into the air!"

Noishe quickly recovers and extends his wings, taking flight just before Katz tries to smack him with another claw. She hesitates and looks around, puzzled.

"And Noishe takes to the sky!" Isaac announces from the stands. "This could cause a bit of difficulty for our cute little Katz!"

"Quick, Katz, take him down with your 'Hairball Cannon'!" Genis orders.

Katz rears back...gags...and hurls out a giant hairball en route for Noishe.

There's a chorus of disgusted exclamations from the crowd.

Garet winces. "Aw, man...that thing looks like Kay's spaghetti!"

Noishe does a barrel-roll, stylishly dodging the hairy glob.

"Nice!" Lloyd cheers, pumping a fist into the air. "I _told_ you all those war movies would be good for you! Now...'Protozoan Dive Bomb'!"

Noishe rotates to face Katz head-on.

Katz gets into a defensive stance.

Noishe's ears and wings flatten against his body.

His tail straightens out.

He tucks his legs close to him.

An evil gleam comes into his eyes.

And he zooms straight for Katz at mach 5 speeds.

_ZZZZZOOOOM!_

Katz is too slow.

She takes the full force of the attack.

_BAM!_

Katz flies through the air.

Genis claps a hand to his mouth and gasps. "Oh, no! Katz!"

_THUMP!_

Katz lands hard on the arena floor. She skids...skids...and stops a mere centimeter from the "out" boundary.

"Whoah, nelly!" Isaac says. "Just barely made it by a cat hair's width! Katz's still in the running, but she took a tremendous blow from Noishe's 'Protozoan Dive Bomb'! Can she make it through to victory?"

Noishe lands on the ground and shakes out his wings.

Katz mews, slowly standing up. She wobbles a bit before hissing again.

"Okay, girl," Genis says, cracking his knuckles. "He got you that time, but we can still win this! Take him down with your 'Alleycat Amble'!"

Katz nods. She swiftly reaches behind her back and pulls out a trumpet.

Lloyd blinks. "The hell?"

Katz taps her foot to a silent beat.

The snazzy notes of "Everybody Wants to Be a Cat" issue forth from the brass instrument.

"Rrowf?" Noishe looks oddly at Katz.

Suddenly...he begins to dance.

Strangely.

Haphazardly.

At first the moves are totally unrecognizable.

But then he starts doing the "Twist."

Then the "grapevine."

Then the "Macarena."

Then the "moonwalk."

Then the "robot."

And then Noishe break-dances wildly.

The crowd claps.

"What a hilarious innovation from Genis!" Garet squeaks out in between fits of laughter. "Who knew that the munchkin was also an accomplished musician and dance instructor?"

"I have to say," Isaac continues, bobbing his head, "it's a pretty catchy tune! But if Noishe doesn't start marching to the beat of a different drummer soon, he could very well dance his way out of the ranks!"

"Argh!" Lloyd buries his face in his hands. "Dammit, Noishe! I didn't train you to be a circus animal! Pull yourself together!"

Noishe only howls dazedly. After a few more frantic seconds, the effect finally wears off. The pseudo-canine slumps to the floor, exhausted.

"All right! Now's your chance!" Genis points at Noishe. "'Furry Fists'!"

"Meow!" Katz leaps halfway across the arena and starts pounding away at the still-tired Noishe.

_BAM!_

_WHAP!_

_WHAM!_

_POW!_

_WHAP!_

_BAM!_

Noishe twitches and whines from all the blows he's receiving. Katz' punches are swift and precise; she barely leaves time for recovery.

Lloyd looks on, frowning. He grits his teeth. "I was really hoping we wouldn't have to resort to this," he mumbles to himself. "But...when the going gets tough..." He straightens up. "Noishe! Use your 'Secret Weapon'!"

"Hmm? What's this?" Garet says. "A mysterious command from Mr. Irving—'Secret Weapon'! Self-explanatory, and yet it leaves us wondering...what could it be?"

Katz finishes off another flurry of punches. She raises a paw to strike a final blow—

—and abruptly stops.

She blinks.

Noishe is gazing up at her with big, shiny, pleading eyes.

Katz stares at him.

And stares.

...she slowly lowers her paw.

"No!" Genis screams. "Don't fall for it, Katz! _Don't fall for it!_"

"Mew!" Katz drops to her knees and throws her arms around Noishe.

"It's the tried-and-true puppy dog face!" says Isaac. "No one can resist that! Venus knows I can't resist Jenna's..."

"Down, boy," Garet says, grinning. "No mushy stuff here—this isn't your LiveJournal! Anyway, back to the battle! Lloyd's used one of the sneakiest and dirtiest tactics known to the fighting world! But how will he follow this up?"

"Noishe! Finish her!" Lloyd commands. "'No Mercy'!"

Noishe affectionately nuzzles Katz for a bit longer.

Suddenly he growls.

He reaches around her waist and chomps onto the back of Katz's shirt.

"Mreow?" Katz wails.

Noishe rises to his feet, with Katz dangling comically from his mouth.

He stands up on his two hind legs.

He steps back a little to balance himself...

And bends over backwards to slam the kitty spine-first into the floor.

_WHAM!_

Cracks form in the ground from the impact.

Garet gapes. "Holy crap! Did...did that thing just pull off a German suplex?"

Isaac shakes his head and winces. "Man, that has_ gotta_ hurt!"

"Mew..." Katz lifts her head up...and lays it back down. Her tail lies limply next to her. Her eyes are closed. She breathes heavily, but is otherwise still.

"_Katz!_" Genis cries.

Noishe grunts and manages to roll up to an upright position. He wags his tail and barks.

"Yes!" Lloyd says. "That's my boy!"

Garet runs up to Katz and starts counting off with his fingers. "One...two...three...four..._and she's out!_ Lloyd Irving has won this match and will advance to the next round!"

A standing ovation from the stadium members. Confetti rains down onto the arena as Lloyd and Noishe proudly stand together in the center, basking in their victory.

Off to the side, Genis is kneeling on the floor, holding Katz in his arms. "It's all right, girl," he says soothingly, patting her on the head. "You did great." He takes out a capture sphere and clicks the button.

_FLASH!_

Katz returns to her miniature home.

Genis gazes thoughtfully at the capture sphere.

He holds it close to his heart.

A shadow falls on his figure. "Hey," Lloyd says, extending a hand. He smiles. "No hard feelings, right? We're still friends?"

Genis pretends to think this over as he takes Lloyd's hand and gets up. "I don't know..." he muses, rubbing his chin. "I was really pissed when you told Noishe to use the 'Secret Weapon' on Katz. That was a really dirty trick, you know. And that wrestling move! Geez, can you say 'overkill'?"

Lloyd pouts. "Aw, come on, Genis, don't be like that. It was a battle—anything goes!"

Genis does a double-take.

He blinks.

Lloyd's looking at him with big, shiny, pleading eyes.

A pause.

"Rrrrgh..." The young boy slaps a palm to his forehead. "I hate you, Lloyd." He sighs and starts to walk off. "Fine...I'll even bake you your favorite triple-layer chocolate cake tonight to celebrate."

"Really? _Awesome!_ You're the best, Genis!"

"Yeah, yeah, but you don't _dare _tell anyone I fell for your puppy dog face."

"Hehehe..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**NEWLYWEDS: Sheena and Zelos**

"Ah, finally, Sheena! A night out on the town, just the two of us!"

"..."

"...this_ is_ a date, right?"

"O-of course it's a date!"

"Mmm, that's hot. So where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"Ooh, a surprise, eh? Hey...what's this place? This isn't a very sexy place to be! Where's the neon lights, the stretch limos, the cocktail waitresses?"

"Oh, um, they'll be...coming out."

"Oh...okay."

"..."

"Sheena? Why is everyone wearing white over there? They can't do that, it's after Labor Day! And...why are they coming towards us?"

"Zelos...I'm sorry..."

"_Wh-what?_ Sheena! Wait! What's that supposed to—_aaaah!_ Let me go! Don't touch me there! _Hey!_ Get that thing away from me—that jacket totally does not flatter my figure! Sheena! You said this was a date!"

"D-didn't you check the calendar? It's a date, all right...the date when you move to a house with nice, padded walls..."

"Wait a minute! What are you talking about? I...I'm not insane! I'm not crazy! Really, I'm not! You can't let them do this to me, baby! _You can't let them take me away!"_

"S-sayonara, Zelos..."

"_Noooooo!_"**  
**

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SCREENPLAY: False Advertising**

---

_  
Music cue. A driving bass._

_Black screen for three seconds._

_Fade to a black-and-white shot of Zelos running in slow motion towards the camera. A white light shines brightly on him, illuminating his form and casting a dramatic shadow on the water puddles on the brick ground. Close-up on his exaggeratedly determined face: clear neon green sweat drips down his face as he runs.  
_

**  
Zelos (voiceover):** Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!

_  
Cut to a black screen for three seconds. _

_Fade to a black-and-white shot of Kratos running in slow motion towards the camera. Same lighting conditions and setting as before. Close-up on his face: clear neon blue sweat drips down his face as he runs.  
_

**  
Kratos (v.o.):** Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!

_  
High angle shot of Zelos running in slow motion down a puddled street to the lower-left corner as the light continues to shine on him.  
_

**  
Zelos (v.o.):** No, you can't!

**Kratos (v.o):** Yes, I can!

_  
High-angle shot of Kratos running in slow motion down a puddled street to the lower-right corner. Same lighting conditions._

**  
Zelos (v.o.):** _No, you can't!_

**Kratos (v.o.):** _Yes, I can!_

_  
Slow motion Dutch angle shot from lower right corner of Zelos jumping as if over a hurdle. He obscures a round light source in the process, casting a stark shadow._

_Slow motion Dutch angle shot of Kratos from lower left corner doing a flying kick. Same lighting conditions as the previous shot._

_Close-up of Zelos' face, gritting his teeth._

_Close-up of Kratos' face, snarling._

_Drops of their colored sweat mix and glisten in the air._

_Shot of Kratos and Zelos about to jump into each other._

_An explosion of white light right before the moment of contact._

_  
---  
_

_  
Cut to a slow motion black-and-white shot of the hilariously obese figures of Kratos and Zelos sumo-wrestling in a sand-covered ring. Medium close-up on Kratos choking Zelos; he's shaking him back and forth. Clear orange sweat flies off them in different directions as they struggle. The camera pans out a bit and cuts to different perspectives of the fight: behind Kratos, behind Zelos, from the side, then a shot of Kratos' hands on Zelos' neck, where Zelos eventually breaks free, and then a shot of their rampaging feet kicking up dust.  
_

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **Anything you can be, I can be greater!

_  
Cut to Sheena cheering and waving a few yen bills in her hand._

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **I can be anything greater than you!

**Kratos (v.o.): **No, you can't!

_  
Cut back to Kratos and Zelos, still in slow motion. Zelos is holding Kratos over his head with both hands. _

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **Yes, I can!

**Kratos (v.o.):** _No, you can't!_

**Zelos (v.o.):** _Yes, I can! _

_  
With a silent yell, he heaves Kratos out of the ring. The flab on Zelos' body ripples with the force.  
_

_Trailing shot of a flailing Kratos as he falls in slow motion onto a popcorn-munching Lloyd._

_Long shot of Zelos waving his porky arms in victory with the blurry silhouette of standing audience members in the foreground. _

_  
---  
_

_  
Black screen._

_Fade to a close-up of Kratos' face up to his closed eyes, now in his normal-proportions. The camera pans to the left as translucent red sweat squeezes out of his pores._

_A shot of Kratos from a bird's eye view from the front. He's holding out his sword in a spell-casting pose, and his angel wings are extended. The camera slowly descends on him...  
_

**  
Kratos (v.o.):** Anything you can do, I can do better!

_  
Cut to a close-up of Kratos' face as his eyes fly open and flash a bright white. He lets out a silent yell and swings his sword upwards..._

**  
Kratos (v.o.):** I can do anything _better than you!_

_  
The camera pans up from his knees...pans up again...and again...and again and again and again and again and finally focuses on the tip of his sword. _

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **No, you can't!

_  
The tip glows white, encased in numerous circular auras. _

**  
Kratos (v.o.): **Yes, I can!

_  
Pause shot for one second._

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **_No, you can't!_

**Kratos (v.o.): _Yes, I can!_**

_  
A flash of light._

_The camera cuts and pans to different shots of beams of light crashing down into the area, ripply circles extending out from the points of impact—the effects of the Judgment spell. _

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **_NO, YOU CAN'T!_

**Kratos (v.o.):_ YES, I CAN! YES, I CAN!_**

_  
Camera cuts to a profile shot of Kratos' feet and calves and pans up as he holds his pose and finishes the spell. He bows his head, smirking. Cut to a close-up of him sheathing his sword._

_Cut and pan to a shot of a scowling Zelos leaning with his back against a concrete pillar, arms crossed and looking over his shoulders. Close-up and pan to the right of his face, and then his eyes, as translucent purple sweat drips down his features. As the light from the Judgment spell casts shadows on his face, he turns around disdainfully and walks off into the distance. The camera zooms out a bit, revealing glittery mesh 'angel wings' strapped to his back._

_The music stops as Zelos continues walking._

**  
Zelos (v.o.): **Well...I suppose it's only fair...

_  
The music starts up again._

_A logo fades in as the background fades to black…_

_-**"ZELOSADE"-**_

_**-"NINE SEXY FLAVORS"-**_

_**-"NOW IN SIX-PACKS"-**_

_Quick fade out._

**---**

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**RAINE CHECK PLZ**_


	6. A Breaking Interlude

**BASTARDIZATIONS OF SYMPHONIA: By Post**

"Zelos…so we meet again…"

Zelos spun around. His cybernetic parts whirring and clanking. He raised a long, electric sword of pulsating blue power and glared with a laser-pointing eye. "Raine…so you live…"

Across the crackled, weed-strewn ruins of the Iselia Wind Temple, Zelos and Raine stared off at each other. Amber-filtered light scattered down through holes where the skeletons of age-old heroes hung from nasty, mechanical spikes of wood. A few puffs of sand blew in from the raging desert landscape outside. Zelos' crown-stapled laser pointer danced through the air particles.

"I do so very live…," Raine smirked. He tossed a long lock of raven black hair off his white forehead and stood at attention…his pale, lanky body hung like a scarecrow in gothic stitches and canvas sleeves. "Whereas I can't say the same about you…" He blew an effeminate kiss. "Did your mother have sex with the refrigerator, or are you just happy to see me?"

"FOOL!" Zelos spat. His robot parts rattled as he shook a fist. "You know as well as I do that these implants were to sustain the injuries you dealt me since our battle on the U.S.S. Botta!"

"I do distinctly remember you falling off the deck and into the sand dunes," Raine toyed with a lock of hair.

"**After** you skewered me with a machete and tossed me over the side!"

"Yes….well…," Raine chuckled. "….sugar cane season, you know."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you where you stand right now!"

"Hmmmmm….," Raine ran a finger across his black-on-white lips. "Because we're both here at the Iselia Wind Temple looking for the very same Chocolat Amethyst that solely has the power to save the known empire of Izoold from certain death and—"

"DIIIIIIIIIEEE!" Zelos ran across the ruins with his electric blade flying.

Raine sighed. "Fine then…." His eyes glowed a bright gray as he raised his stitched, pale hands. "Be that way. Azarath Metrion SYMPHONIA!"

Both met in a convergence of electricity and dark magic powers and—

_**FLASSSSSSSSH!**_

….

_(Two days earlier……)_

"Sheeeeee-eeeeena! Get your panties off the living room couch!"

"Hrmmm?" she leaned in from the side. Her almond eyes blinking as she scrubbed her mouth with a toothbrush. "Mmmfrffmmmmfff mmmfmff hrmmmff!"

Lloyd was walking around the living room, his arms stuffed with a dozen pieces of lingerie already. "How many times do I have to pick up your lady things after you?"

"Hmmff-Mmmf!" Sheena leaned over the bathroom sink and spat. "Pttooie! I can't help it! They're so heavy!"

"EAT SOMETHING, GIRL!" Lloyd cackled. FWUMP! He dumped the pastel pile at the foot of her door and wiped his brow. "Didn't your grandparents inherit some sort of tradition of—I dunno—staying above ninety frickin' pounds?"

"Nope," Sheena proceeded to dress herself up sexily for a dinner date. She did her chocolate brown hair. "My grandma and grandpa were too busy being killed by Islamic fundamentalists in Indonesia."

"I swear….for a girl brought up in a Catholic Missionary school, you're downright—"

_Ding-Dong!_

"HEEEEEE!" Sheena squealed and hopped up and down in front of the mirror. "That's my date! THAT'S MY DATE!"

Lloyd sweatdropped. He adjusted his thin-framed glasses and murmured: "Just who is this Señor Neil anyways?"

"Only the sweetest guy to work at Electronic Arts. Wow….I didn't know God made video game programmers so……_compassionate_." She shuffled over to her roommate in reverse. "Here…can you zip me up?"

Lloyd gently fastened her dress from behind. "Well….is he cute?"

"Uh uh, Lloyd, just because you're gay and I let you do the housework while I work busy shifts at IHOP doesn't mean you get to check out my love life."

"Just a question, girl. Sheesh….stop being so stressed."

"I'm not stressed. I'm the OPPOSITE of stressed! Heeeee!"

"Okay….now you're positively goofy…."

"Eeek! He's been waiting at the door! Bye, Lloyd. Look after Regal and Yuan for me. Remember….they eat canned meat on Tuesdays—"

"Yeah…yeah…."

"Heeee! I'm so excited!" Sheena rushed up to the apartment door and opened it. "(gasssssp) Señor Neil! COMO ESTAS, MUCHACHO?.!.?.!"

_CH-CHUNKT!_  
**  
BLAM!**

Sheena's head exploded.

Lloyd gasped…stumbling backwards.

Marching through bloody scraps of Sheena's brain matter, a tall….angular figure in black leather and chains marched in. He twirled his shotgun, pumped it, and glared with Aryan fury at the trembling young man in bifocals.

"LLOYD…..LLOYD IRVING…."

"Y-Y-Yes?.?.?"

"I AM GENERAL DORR. THE GOVERNATOR. TONIGHT YOU SLEEP IN HELL WITH THE DOGS!"

"……….a-are they washed?"

**BL-BLAM! **

**BLAM!**

_(Two days earlier……)_

"Raine is in that Temple….," Zelos growled. Tightening his cybernetic fist as he stood atop a skyscraper rooftop at night. "….I will strike fear into the heart of his…….heart…."

"Riiight…," Genis droned. She adjusted her blue hood and stared tiredly out with violet eyes blinking. "We've been through this before. Haven't we?"

Zelos glanced over. "Huh?"

"Genis is right," Regal stepped up. His yellow cape blowing in the wind. "We can't afford to break off our search for silly vendettas now. Especially when Seles is on the loose."

Zelos looked disgusted. "_'Silly vendettas'_?"

Regal glared, his eyemask narrow. "It'll have to wait, Zelos. I'm sorry, but it'll have to wait! I'm the leader of this team. And it's my initiative that I make us hunt down Seles' carbonite explosives set all throughout the City!"

"Nnnnrgh..!" Zelos waved his electric blade. "I'm telling you…there are no explosives! This is nothing but a wild goose chase!"

"Enough!" Genis hissed. Her pale face frowning. "We have to control….our emotions…."

"You keep out of this, cutie!"

"Friends!" _Swoosh!_ Colette landed down and perched gracefully on the buildingside. "Let us not bicker and argue so shamefully! It is pertinent that we focus on kicking the proverbial donkey of Seles, yes?"

"You're on HIS SIDE!" Zelos shouted, pointing at Regal. "Why don't you get fellatio if you're so damn turned on by his ego!"

Colette blinked. "I am most confused. Friend Zelos, what is this 'fellow of the Horatio'?"

Right then and there, Pronyma leapt over the buildingside….morphing from stegosaurus to elf. "Dudes! Look out--!"  
**  
_BOOOOM!.!.!_** A carbonite charge exploded beneath them, setting fire to the entire rooftop.

_(Two days earlier……)_

Kei walked on all fours across the Japanese bedroom.

His pants off.

He blushed a beet red, but pushed himself forward with an amused determination as he came to his wife's sleeping mat.

With a happy exclamation, he tore the covers off--

"Mizuho---!"

Kei's eyes bulged. A sweatdrop formed.

Mizuho lay in the arms of Presea. They were both covered in lipstick stains and honeycomb cereal.

"K-Kei-kun! Gomen nasai, Kei-kun!"

"Waaaaaa-iieee!" Kei fell back and pratfalled—_THWOMP!—_his legs sticking high in the air.

Marie floated by, spinning three hundred and sixty degrees and snoring a sleep bubble.

"…….," Presea blinked. "I'm starting to wonder if this is worth the herpes."

_THWOMP!_ Mizuho pounced on her.

"Whoah! Hehehehe!" They went rolling across the bedroom in honeycomb crumbs.

_(Two days earlier.) _

WHAM!

WH-WHAM!

_WHAM!_

Zelos slammed Martel's skull up against the sneeze guard of an a la carte line.

"TELL ME—"

_WHAM!_

"—WHERE—"

_WH-WHAM!_

"—RAINE IS!"

Martel coughed and sputtered and gurgled blood.

In the background, a bunch of H.I.V.E. students stared. Blinking.

Jinx walked by with a tray full of strawberries.

"Harumph! Hecate almighty….get your own school commissary—"

**SLAM!**

Dorothy's farmhouse landed on Jinx.

_(Two days earlier.)_

"Here we are at the Tower of Salvation…Live! As reported in the newspapers, this is the setting of David Blaine's latest trick—the Suicide Jump of Fatalistic Doom! Will he survive from dying to live and die later? Right now I'm interviewing the manager of the Tower of Salvation, Martel Yggdrasill. Mr. Yggdrasill—aside from being named from a Norse icon—what do you have to say about your recent campaign to become Mayor of all Hyrule?"

"Uhm….hi….I'm Martel Yggdrasill. I'm named from a Norse icon, and I'm running to become Mayor of all Hyrule."

"There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Live from the Tower of Salvation…..I'm Palmacosta Choi."

_"Look out!"_

SWOOOOOOSH!

**SPLAT!**

…..

…..

…..

"Uhm….hi….I'm David Blaine. And I just landed from a fifty-story jump atop this heavily perfumed Asian woman."

_(Two days earlier.)_

Lloyd hung from a giant clock face thirty stories above New York.

A crowd gathered beneath him, gasping.

_Scrkkkkk!_

The clock face started to tear from its foundation.

"Aaaaaugh! I believe! I BELIEEEEEEVE!"

_Scrkkkkk!—CRACK!_

Lloyd fell.

"I BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE---!"

_(Two days earlier.)_

"Welcome to Hot Topic," a mohawked employee with twenty nose-rings walked up and bowed his head. "Today we're running a special on all Napoleon Dynamite t-shirts and—_snkkkkkkkttt!"_

He choked and lifted magically in the air.

Raine entered the store, flexing two telekinetic fingers. He grinned and hissed through gothic lips. "You will…."

_"Snkkkkkt!"_

"….show me…."

_"Snkkkkttt!"  
_  
"….where to find…."

_"SNKKKKT!"_

"…the TINKERBELL PAJAMAS!"

_THWOMP!_

Raine launched the employee against a wall of Pink Floyd labels.

Nearby shoppers cowered in fear.

Raine lifted his pale face to the sky and bellowed: "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Sheesh….kid…," Lloyd waved a hand from where he was checking out skirts. "Settle down…"

"Bah!" Raine held up the middle finger with a black censor bar. "Go climb a clock tower!"

"………………okay."

_(Two days earlier.)_

"Not good….," Genis levitated away from a factory as an earthquake rumbled across town. "NOT GOOD!"

"Move…MOVE!" Zelos marched by on android feet. Waving his hands. "SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"

Regal drove by on the Regal-Cycle.

_VRMMMM!  
_  
The factory exploded.  
**  
CRCKKKKK!.!.!.!**

A huge, flesh-warbling blob of an exploded, expanded female marched out on giant crab legs. Her hippopotamus face dripped out dripping globs of toxic blood while a demonic mesh of tentacles danced and thrashed about from the center of her spine.

"PAAAANTSUUUUU!" Demon Leviathan Colette roared. "PAAAA-AAAANTSUUUU!"

Genis tried halting her with black telekinesis.

Regal drove past her and flung explosive regalrangs.

Zelos stood on a high plateau and launched a sonic cannon.

Demon Leviathan Colette merely roared and stomped conveniently past a Catholic Schoolgirl Sorority. All the tentacles instantly dove and smashed through the dormitory windows.

_Crkkk! _

Crasssh!

"Eeeeek!"

_"Aaaack!_

_"Mommy!"_

_"Help……Help……HELLLL-----"_

_"…………"_

_"…………"_

_"…………"_

_"………ooooh……"_

_"Hehehe……"_

_"Mmmmmmm………" _

(Two days earlier.)

Inside a Subway Station….

Traveling under New York.

Sheena stood in a tennis outfit. She hummed girlishly and leaned back and forth.

Señor Neil stood next to her.

Fidgeting….

She hummed.

He fidgeted.

She hummed.

He fidgeted.

A beat……

She finally sighed, smiled, and leaned up to whisper in his ear: "For goodness sake….you should have worn a frickin' cup today…."

He blushed. "Si, yo claro…."

**SMASSSH!**

The subway train exploded as Kratos rode a rampaging Minotaur into the car.

"RAAAAAUGH!" Kratos spun his chained blades and stabbed into the Minotaur's mouth.

The Minotaur vomited blood and let loose a spray of green orbs that flew into Kratos and revived his health.

Kratos growled, leapt off the monster, and ran past Sheena and Señor Neil to take on a pair of shrieking gorgons.

"RAAAAA-AAAAUGH!" **SLASH! SLASSSH! SLASH! **

"Que en el mundo?.!.?.!" Neil gasped.

The gash in the side of the train car suddenly turned into Poseidon's translucent, glowing face. "KRATOS….BEFORE YOU REACH ATHENS…..THERE IS A TASK YOU MUST PERF---WHOAH! HOT MOMMA! LOOK AT THE SPICY INDONESIAN CHICK!"

Sheena bit her lip. "Erhmmmmm…"

Neil pointed. "Por que no hablo como este?"

_THWACK!_

Sheena slammed him upside the head with the tennis racquet and ran out of the Subway train with her white skirt twirling.

_FLASH!_

"_HEH HEH HEH."_

ToS-ToS-ToS

_**WE RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RAINE CHECK**_


	7. Pickup Lines and Showdowns

**SKIT****: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk – Au Naturel**

Yuan leans on his chair against the brick wall of the local coffeehouse, hands behind his head. His feet rest on the table. "You know, Zelos," he says, giving the Chosen a casual glance, "I meant to comment on this before, but...you have lovely hair."

Zelos rolls his eyes and flips his carmine locks. "Pfft! Are you kidding? I have lovely _everything!_"

"For an anime-styled game, we've all got pretty normal hair colors," Lloyd says, biting into a giant cookie.

Genis raises an eyebrow. "Uh, Lloyd, hello? Have you been smoking the Reese's pieces again? Take a good look at angsty femboy and Saria's older sister over there!" he says, pointing at Yuan and Martel, who's sitting next to Yuan. "And me? I'm white as snow!"

"I'd actually venture that our hair color is closer to that of Rei Ayanami or Ruri Hoshino..." Raine rubs her chin. "At our ages, we'd never be able to get away with white hair in the real world."

"Well, I mean..." Lloyd gestures. "On the good guys side...the majority of us look...normal, right?"

"Define 'normal,'" Sheena says, smirking.

"I've got brown hair, Colette's blonde, Zelos is a redhead, and you're obviously supposed to have black hair, only the designers thought that'd be boring, so they gave you dark purple hair instead. That's half of our team that's normal! Or, you know...normal as you can be in anime."

"And Kratos has a reddish-brown color that's not too obvious or loud, as well," Regal adds.

"Ah, yes!" Zelos hooks an arm around Kratos' neck, hugging him close. "My fellow redhead! We need to stick together in this cruel world that blasphemously thinks blondes have more fun...or more sex, at any rate! Why the hell do blondes get all the press coverage, anyway? It's totally unfair. No offense intended to our cute little Co-Co, of course."

"None taken!" Colette says as she finishes the last of her Red Bull energy drink.

"I..." Kratos clears his throat and gently picks Zelos' arm off him. "I'm not actually a redhead."

Zelos blinks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kratos closes his eyes and takes a calm sip of his new cup of coffee, grudgingly purchased for him by Pronyma. "Red isn't my natural hair color. I just haven't washed the blood out of it in a while."

A stunned silence falls over the room.

The remains of a half-chewed cookie drop from Lloyd's mouth as he gapes at his dad.

"Dang," Zelos mutters, shaking his head. "That's just wrong in so many ways..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**THE DOC IS IN****: Presea**

Zelos rests his elbows on the cardboard stand and folds his hands under his chin. He smiles encouragingly at Presea.

Presea sits on the wooden stool with a deadpan expression. Her hands rest cutely in her lap. She stares back at Zelos.

A bluebird flies overhead.

A pleasant summer wind blows through.

A boy rides by on a tricycle.

A shiny red convertible whizzes over the hot asphalt.

A butterfly flutters by.

A man trims his bushes.

A squirrel scampers across an electrical cable.

A woman sunbathes on her front lawn.

A girl plays with her hula hoop.

A dog barks while chasing its tail.

A cat rolls over onto its back and stretches.

A school bus clunks by with noisy schoolchildren.

The house next door gets razed to the ground.

A meteor crashes into the other house next door.

The sky turns green.

A tornado blazes through.

Pigs soar overhead and drop gaily wrapped presents from above.

Barney gets shot by a G.I. Joe.

A giant anaconda eats half of the neighborhood.

An old lady pokes a sleeping bear with her cane.

Tony Blair commits seppuku.

A teenage punk drives a shopping cart around a sharp corner.

The heavens open up.

John Travolta falls to the ground.

Spike beats Albus Dumbledore to a bloody pulp.

George Bush chokes on an Auntie Anne's cinnamon raisin pretzel.

A masked horseman tramples the petunias.

A perverted horseman raids Victoria's Secret for panties.

The heavens close up.

Kenny gets killed.

An antique vase crashes to the ground.

A sale closes at Hot Topic.

A pencil point breaks.

Lilith transforms into the Magic Knight Erina Sasami.

A nun trips and loses her habit.

A centipede demon breaks out of the well.

A school principal retires.

Three teenage girls fall through a trapdoor in their school and land in WOOHP.

A choral group sings their way to the top.

Kyo hurls a basketball at Chiharu's face.

A gerbil snoozes peacefully under wood shavings.

Zhang Ziyi slices Stephanie's head off.

Regal roars by on the Regal-Cycle.

Ed shoves a giant jawbreaker into his mouth.

A fish swims around in its fish bowl.

A donut falls to the floor.

A hyena cackles to the night sky.

Squirrels demolish the local girl's high school.

Ryoga chases Ranma over the rooftops.

Mario rides by on Yoshi in the opposite direction.

A zombified Red Army takes the Eiffel Tower hostage.

Mia and Alex copulate on the white beaches of Waikiki.

A cake burns in an oven left on too long.

A student agonizes over a term paper.

A pink-clad ninja assassinates Hilary Duff.

A purple spider bites Sheena.

A pleasant summer wind blows through.

A bluebird flies overhead.

...Presea gets up and leaves.

A pause.

Zelos sighs and runs a hand over his face.

"How am I supposed to do anything when the patient doesn't talk?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT****: Other Things Kratos Is No Longer Allowed to Do**

"They're reaching their limits," Regal observes grimly. "It won't be long until one side emerges on top."

Presea nods. "All it will take now is one well-placed strike to determine the outcome. They are equal in talent...and equal in their exhaustion."

Indeed, although they are still standing, both Kratos and Lloyd look extremely worn out. Lloyd has a black eye, a number of cuts and contusions, and dirt stains everywhere. Kratos' clothes are ripped and blood-stained, and he sports a nasty gash on his left shoulder—not to mention the hole in the back of his pantsuit from Lloyd's _Demonic Wedgie Blade_. They're fighting the temptation to lean on their blades for support.

"L-Lloyd doesn't look so good..." Colette mutters, clasping her hands in a silent prayer.

Raine gently touches Colette's arm. "I'd tell you to have faith, Colette," she says, smiling slightly, "but you do that well enough already."

Colette smiles as well, but her cheerfulness fades as she turns back to the battlefield.

Kratos pushes his bangs off his sweaty face and glares at Lloyd. "Hmph...I never imagined we would have to drag it out this far."

"Cut with the talk," Lloyd growls, pointing a sword at Kratos. "Let's finish this!"

"As you wish."

Lloyd brandishes his weapons, lets out a battle cry, and rushes at Kratos.

Kratos glows white for a brief second.

_FLASH! _

Lloyd slashes furiously.

But the Angel's Tear simply whistles through empty air.

Lloyd stumbles and stares at the spot where his father had previously been. "Where the hell...?"

"Behind you," utters a familiar voice.

Lloyd starts to turn around—

Kratos' arm wraps around Lloyd's neck and catches him in a chokehold.

"Gah!" Lloyd tries to wiggle his way out, but the hold is too tight.

"Uh-oh!" Colette exclaims. "He's going to choke him!"

"Come on, Lloyd!" Sheena urges, fists clenched. "You can do it! You can get out of that!"

"What Sheena said!" Zelos says.

"Nnngh!" Lloyd clutches at Kratos' arm, struggling.

Kratos smirks. "So it has been, and so it shall be, boy!" he declares triumphantly. "**_SACRED NOOGIE RETRIBUTION!_**"

And he begins furiously grinding his fist into the back of Lloyd's head.

Lloyd screams, flailing his arms about like a dying octopus.

Kratos grins maniacally.

Presea and Regal blink at the same time.

Sheena, Zelos, and Colette freeze in mid-cheer.

It becomes deathly quiet, save for Lloyd's desperate cries of help.

"...it, um...must run in the family," Raine says as she stares dumbfoundedly at the scene before her.

"Yeah, if I were in that family, I'd run too," Genis adds, eyes wide in disbelief.

Colette looks pensive. "I don't think that a real attack..." she mutters.

"No kidding," Zelos says. "That attack was about as real as Santa Claus."

Colette's eyes well up with tears. She gazes up at Zelos. "Y-you mean..._he's not real?_"

Zelos panics. "N-no! No, that's n-not what I—!"

Colette collapses to her knees and wails.

Back on the field...

"So how do you like it, boy?" Kratos cackles, relentless in his attack. "You like spending time with your old man? It's great, isn't it? We're finally catching up on lost time!"

"Argh! Stop it, Dad! That burns!"

"Does it, really? Great! Now I can show you how to barbeque!"

Puffs of smoke start to rise from Lloyd's head, presumably from the friction caused by Kratos' knuckles against Lloyd's skull. The boy's normally brown hair starts to glow a menacing red.

"_AAAAAH! _It's gonna catch on fire! Stop! _Stop it, damn you!_"

"Only if you say 'uncle'!"

"_UNCLE, AUNT, AND ELEVENTH COUSIN TWICE-REMOVED!_ **_NOW LET ME GO, YOU BASTARD!_**"

"As you wish." Kratos casually lifts his arm and lets Lloyd drop to the earth.

_THUMP!_

Lloyd scrambles to his feet and sprints for the nearest stream.

Kratos shrugs. "Well, if you can't take the heat..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MINI-SERIES****: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Five_**

Deep within the ionized steel bowels of Mana Enterprises, Secret Agent Raine Sage stares determinedly back at her eternal rival (and former lover) Martel Yggdrasill.

"It's just you and me, sweetheart," Martel croons, brandishing her rifles. "Just like it should be..."

"Hmph!" Raine crosses her arms. "You always were the possessive type. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps that's why I left you in the first place?"

"Mmm...I don't like much to ruminate on the past. It's so dreary." Martel grins and aims. "In fact, I much prefer looking forward to an _explosive future!"_

_PH-PH-PHWAAAMM!_

Raine nimble dodges the rifle fire with a series of somersaults and leg splits. She runs up a wall, vaults off, flips, and whips out her pistol to fire a mad barrage of supercharged laser shots.

_SPANG! SPANG! SP-SP-SPANG!_

The metal floor beneath and around Martel hisses and burns as Raine's stray shots bury itself into the structure. Martel let loose a stronger wave of laser fire from her weapons, effectively demolishing all but the main computer. "If I can't have the Derris Files," she screams, "then _no one will! HAHAHAHAHA!"_

"Argh!" Raine wipes some sweat from her face as the room smokes around her. "I've got to stop her before she takes down this whole place!" She readies a pistol and fires off a shot.

_SPANG!_

It knocks one rifle out of Martel's hands.

Martel yelps in surprise. She takes her remaining rifle in both hands and raises it—

_SPANG!_

Another shot from Raine knocks the other rifle to the floor.

Martel gapes at her now empty palms. She looks up.

Raine has two pistols in one hand and is pointing another pistol right at Martel's heart.

A silence.

Martel laughs dryly. "Go on," she says, holding her arms out. "Do it. Finish me. What else is there to do now?"

Raine inhales, but doesn't lower her arm.

Martel exhales, a calm expression on her face.

Sapphire orbs meet with emerald ones.

Another pause.

Then...

Raine tosses all four of her laser pistols to the ground beside her.

Martel blinks.

Raine smirks. "Where's the fun in offing you now?" she asks, cracking her knuckles. "Besides, everyone prefers seeing hands-on catfights as opposed to dramaticallysimple deaths with a possiblesymbolic meaning."

Martel stares at her for a little while longer...then slithers into a fighting stance. "Ah, I see now." She smiles. "You want me, as your master, to recognize your abilities in battle!"

"Not quite, but whatever picks your wedgie, I suppose."

"Just remember this, Raine Sage: _I_ was the one who taught you all your techniques!" And she charges at Raine, fists swinging.

"Nnngh!" Raine evades the punches and dodges the roundhouse kick headed for her tailbone. "You may have taught me all my techniques," she growls, blocking a reverse punch from Martel, "but I possess a special ability!"

"Oh really?" Martel sneers, swiping at Raine with long green fingernails. Again the secret agent escapes damage. "And what would that be?"

Raine smiles mysteriously.

Martel rushes in with a karate chop.

Raine deflects with a simple flick of the arm and slides in an arc behind Martel. "Special ability—**_Flip Fu!_**"

And she promptly flips up Martel's way-too-short leather mini, exposing an expensive pair of acid green panties.

"Eek!" Martel's hands fly protectively to her bottom. "You're not authorized to view that anymore, you freak fetishist!" she yells.

Raine waves her off. "Psh! Authority is overrated!"

Martel curls her fingers. "Authority _this_, you panty-lusting squirrel! _RRRAAAAUGH!_" Again she charges Raine.

Raine steps back.

She stumbles on a piece of smoking metal and loses her balance.

Martel pounces on her and pins her to the ground, uncomfortably close. She grins like a fox. "I got you now, kitty!"

Raine twists back and forth, trying to throw Martel off her. "Get off of me, you nympho—"

Martel suddenly leans in and presses her lips to Raine's.

Raine's eyes grow wide.

A silence falls as the two share a tender moment.

Raine starts to close her eyes.

Then...

Martel pulls back and headbutts her.

_WHAM!_

"Aaaaaugh!" Raine winces and clutches her forehead.

"Ahahahahahah!" Martel gleefully wraps her hands around Raine's pale neck. "Hope you enjoyed the parting gift, _love_," she hisses, "because your bullet train to hell is leaving right now!" She tightens her fingers' hold on Raine.

Raine gurgles and chokes for air. She grabs at Martel's arms, but the woman is too strong—most likely the result of self-engineered Mana chemicals in her system, Raine realizes. Not that that information will help her now. Slowly, spots dance in front of her eyes...and she begins to black out...

But as Martel's pretty face fades from her vision, Raine devises one last plan of escape.

She furrows her brow and—

_WHAMF!_

"Oof!" Martel tumbles off Raine with a blow to her back. She rolls to her feet and gasps. "What in the—?"

Raine snickers as she props herself up on her elbows. Her right leg—her metal leg—from her knee downward is bent at about a forty-five degree angle...in the wrong direction.

Martel turns as green as her hair. "That's absolutely disgusting!"

"It's technology." Raine pops up her knee back into place with a loud clicking noise and jumps to her feet. "What do you say we finish this?"

Martel cackles. "Finish this? It's just started!"

The small fires caused by Martel's rampant rifle shots, pale and quivering up to this point, suddenly flare up in a wall of flames around the entire room, lending a dramatic and urgent atmosphere to the fight. Ominous shadows flicker. Random bits of melting metal drip to the floor.

Raine and Martel begin to circle each other like wolves, the main computer their center. They glare at each other over the top of the technological wonder.

"You and your little black-clad cronies are doomed to failure," Martel says. "Even if you kill me, it won't be in time to stop the fire from ruining your chances to retrieve the Derris Files!"

Raine grits her teeth. "I've still got one chance to off you, Martel."

Martel arches a perfectly groomed brow. "Oh? And what would that be?"

Raine reaches inside her back pocket and brandishes a thin remote control.

Martel's eyes widen to saucers. "You wouldn't—!"

"Clicking the switch that'll leak out the mercury fuel that runs the cybernetic implant that runs your weak, pathetic heart and let it poison your overly-chemicaled blood system?" Raine spits. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

Martel trembles. "R-Raine..." she murmurs softly, falling to her knees. "Renny-Fanny...dear..."

"Don't _call_me that anymore, you lateral interior of an ostrich pancreas!" Raine shouts, actually causing Martel to flinch. "You lost your right to that name a long, long time ago!"

"So who calls you that now?" Martel asks, her voice turning briefly venomous. "Your little albino man-wench Genis?"

"I'm not you, Martel," Raine says, her finger moving ever closer to the deadly button, "no matter how much you think you've brainwashed me."

Martel looks pleadingly at Raine. "I never brainwashed you!" she insists. "I took you in when you were poor and starving! I gave you food, I gave you a home, I gave you my wisdom, _I gave you my !_"

"You gave me nothing but pain," Raine intones. "Ashes to ashes...dust to dust...you've brought only agony...so suffer you must."

"Raine—!"

Raine pushes the button.

A pause.

Martel stares dumbly.

Raine glares back at her.

Martel throws her head back and screams. "_AAAAAAAUUGGHHHHH!" _She jumps to her feet, her eyes are insanely wide, her nostrils flared, her teeth gritting. "_YOU LITTLE—" _She snatches her rifle off the ground and takes aim.

Raine steps back slightly.

Martel suddenly twitches. She drops her gun. _CLANK!_ She starts shaking violently. _FWUMP! _She falls to her knees and hugs herself. "Nnngh...nghhhhhhhh..." she groans, slumping slowly to the ground.

Raine watches impassively.

The flames flicker around them.

The smell of burning industrial materials pervades the smoky air.

"_YAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" _

And with one last banshee shriek of despair...Martel lies still.

Raine closes her eyes.

She takes a breath.

Steps forward.

Kneels down next to Martel's form.

She reaches out.

Slender gloved hands curve around a pale ghostly cheek.

Raine sighs. "We all go to the same end someday..." she murmurs. Her head snaps up with a renewed sense of purpose. "But for now...I will do what I was meant to do in this world!"

She sprints to the central computer, miraculously untouched from her battle with Martel save for a few scratches. Her deft fingers dance swiftly over the seemingly blank holographic keypad, sparking flashes of colored lights from the keys. With a few more seconds of intense concentration, she manages to pull up a string of indecipherable text on the flat-screen monitor. "Bingo," she says, typing in a few more commands. "Copy and paste into body of the e-mail...sending to rainelovesgeniswtfhalf-elves. I've got mail!"

The computer beeps twice, indicating a transaction.

Raine smiles grimly, looking up at the ceiling. "I may have gotten the Derris Files...but this battle is far from over," she says reflectively. "And there is nothing we can do to bring back the lives lost, the innocents harmed at the hands of General Yggdrasill and this Mana Enterprises. We can only walk forward...to the light of justice..." Solemnly, she turns and heads for the door, a determined look on her face. The fire, though dying away, is still bright enough to lend an orange glow to her pallid features. Her boots click out a dirge on the metal floor.

_Clik. Clik. Clik._

She reaches the metal pods Martel had brought down earlier to prevent her escape. With a grunt, she heaves them out of her path and continues on. The tap of boot heels slowly fades into the distance as Secret Agent Raine Sage treads ever onward with her mission.

Behind her, the fire dies away.

The air cools down.

The technological lair is as quiet as a tomb.

Until...

The figure of Martel stirs ever so slightly.

Slowly...slowly...she rises to her feet.

Her arms are outstretched.

Her fingers are curled like claws.

Her fantastically long green hair hangs down like a stage curtain in front of her face.

And she marches zombie-like towards the door.

"Raine..."

_Step._

"Ginevra..."

_Step._

"_SAGE!_"

_Step._

**_PLONK!_**

A giant metal beam falls from above and lands on Martel.

**_(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)_**

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT****: Not the Brightest Crayon in the Box **

A young Seles Wilder plays with her voodoo dolls in her room as a Godsmack CD blasts in the background. She meticulously arranges pins in an intricate pattern in the eye of one of her dolls.

All of a sudden...

_BAM!_

Her bedroom door flies open. The jeweled curtains clatter and part to reveal a young Zelos Wilder, waving another piece of paper. "Hey, Seles! Guess what?"

Seles twists her neck to look over her shoulder with a deadpan expression. "Sheena's butt?" she drones.

Zelos stares at her for a few seconds. "...say, I didn't even _think_ of that! Good one!" He waltzes into the pink frilly room and plops himself onto Seles' pink frilly bed, knocking some spellbooks to the floor. "Anyway, I've got a few more for you, and you can't tell me that at least _one_ of these won't win you over!"

Seles sighs and puts down her dolls. "Not until you pay up."

"Aw, come on! I have them here with me! I'll give them to you once you listen to me!"

"_Give them to me now or I'll use Freeze Lancer on you!_"

Zelos sticks his tongue out. "Nyah! Remember what Dad said about using magic in the house?"

Seles crosses her arms. "Then I'll just throw you off my balcony and freeze you. You know I can."

"Rrrrggh...fine." Zelos reaches into his shirt and pulls out twenty Yu-Gi-Oh cards, all rare editions. He flings them to the floor. "There, you little bloodsucker. Are you happy?"

Seles' eye twitches as she studies her prizes. "I have at least half of these already..." she growls. Nevertheless, she scoops up the cards and drops them in a drawer. "No matter. I'll be able to trade the extras for other rare card or sell them off on eBay to unsuspecting victims. Anyway..." She carefully puts aside her voodoo dolls. "What sort of pestilence do you wish to inflict upon me today, not-so-dearest brother of mine?"

Zelos straightens up. "All righty, here we go! _If you were a wedgie, I'd pick you first!_"

"Ugh...we're already off to a bad start..."

"_You've got 'hottie' written on your forehead._"

"Who'd be dumb enough to fall for that one? Never mind—rhetorical question."

"_If you were my sister, incest would be cool._"

"...Zelos, I _am_ your sister."

_"Your graphics make Tales of Symphonia's look like 8-bit!_"

"Sorry, I can't picture you in glasses with Cheetos stains on your shirt. Ew, what an image..."

"_Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them!_"

"You're not _that_ skinny."

Zelos blinks.

Seles rolls her eyes. "You got any other abominations to our language to offer up?"

"Hmph! You have no appreciation for the art of dating, Seles." Zelos squints at the paper. "Hmm...what else is there...oh! _It's not my fault I fell in love—you're the one that tripped me!_"

"Next."

"_Is your name Pepsi? 'Cause I gotta have it!_"

"I told you to lay off the edible references."

"_Are you an adverb? 'Cause you sure modify me!_"

"Like I said, the nerdy look doesn't work for you."

"_My love for you is like diarrhea—I just can't hold it in!_"

Seles goes pale. "That's so gross!" she wails. "I'm going to tell Dad that you're making potty jokes!"

"No, no, wait, Seles!" Zelos screams frantically. "Don't tell! I'm sorry, I won't bother you again!"

"Thanks, but I don't expect you to keep that promise."

"No, really! I'm sorry for bothering you all of this time!" Zelos suddenly gets down on his knees and takes Seles' hands in his. He looks her straight in the eyes as he continues talking. "You've been such a great little sister, and I haven't gotten a chance to really say thank you for all you've done. Not just for putting up with me, but for being who you are!"

Seles blinks. "Huh?"

"You've been so nice to let me talk to you about dating—I really do appreciate your opinions! You're also really smart and talented. I mean, who else can recite Edgar Allen Moe—"

"Poe."

"Yeah, him. Who else can recite his stuff while playing the piano and practicing your spellcasting—all at the same time? And no one can sing the Quadratic Formula like you can! You're just overall...well...great!" Zelos smirks. "Not to mention you have killer fashion sense. I really like your shirt."

Seles looks down at her shirt. It has a print of the Happy Bunny™ with the caption _You suck and that's sad._ "Um...thank you."

Zelos winks. "Of course, I like what's under them better..."

"**_DAAAAD!_**"

ToS-ToS-ToS

**_RAINE CHECK PLZ_**


	8. Pies and Parodies

**BREAKING NEWS: News That Couldn't Break a Sweat If They Had a Frenzied Orgy in the Middle of the Sahara While Wearing Fur Coats and Ugg Boots**

"Hello, folks. I'm Jinx, of H.I.V.E. Five fame, here to bring you this hexaliciously breaking news story! It has been reported recently that the author of this hell of a shipwreck, Sora Grace Silverwind, reportedly has a Very Important Life. Furthermore, it has also been reported that this allegation of Sora having a life is the direct result of her writing muse—known here on out as Dumbalina in order to protect her real identity—even more allegedly launching a one-muse strike against Sora in protest of Sora's inability (or is it unwillingness?) (or perhaps it's laziness) (or perhaps it's just plain jackbitchery) to do anything productive with her writing ability or lack thereof. Dumbalina is, quote, sick of being used solely for Sora's creative late-night ego-stroking Dew-guzzling masturbations and is demanding more recognition and honors for over a decade of hard, thankless, and Pocky-less work, unquote. Negotiations are currently being undertaken, deals are being struck, and arms are being twisted into positions that even yoga masters would find painful in order to try and end this most unfortunate strike. Sora has refused to comment, saying only that she has songs to compose, drawings to CG, and fandoms to take over. Oh, and she also has Japanese to pwn, bitches. More details at 11 a month from now!

"Next up: a strange case of poltergeists and pie..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MYSTERY MADNESS: The Case of the Haunted Hooters, Part I**

_The name's Irving. Lloyd Irving, to be exact. Lloyd Irving, Private Eye. Lloyd Irving, Private Eye, currently living in Iseliaville. Population: 10,422. It's a normal sort of place, no more or less crime-ridden than the next quasi metropolis this side of the dimension rift. It certainly gives me enough work to be occupied and make a living while still leaving me time to catch up on new fansubs of Bomberman Jetters._

_It was a normal day in the office. The coffee maker was back on its place on the countertop, after a long, arduous week of being MIA. Miss Brunel, my secretary, had her usual workplace fiasco, this time slipping on a puddle near the leaking water cooler and smacking her head on the tiled floor. Of course, being the seasoned veteran at this that she was, she came away from the incident with barely a concussion. However, I did have to wonder about her change in speech patterns: whenever she opened her mouth to speak, the only word that came out was "chii." It was very endearing, but made for more than a few communication problems. Nevertheless, I knew it would be gone by the next day. That was how those things went._

_Anyway, it was a normal day in the office. Oh, I said that already? Right. It was a normal day in the office. I was flipping through the latest issue of Nintendo Power and eating my third piece of cherry pie when suddenly the intercom on my desk fizzled to life._

"Chii? Chii."

"Sure, send her right in."

"Chii!"

_Truth be told...I hadn't a single clue as to what she'd said. _

_No matter. It had been a lucky guess, for a minute later, a young woman burst through my door in a panic, clad in booty shorts and a tank top. I recognized her as one Miss Sheena Fujibayashi, an exchange student from Japan whom I saw at tantric yoga class every other night. _"Sheena, what a pleasant surprise," _I said. _"What's going on?"

_She wrung her hands nervously. _"Detective, please, you have to help me! I...I'm really scared!"

"Settle down, Sheena. It'll be all right. Care for some pie? I just bought it from Baker's Square."

_Sheena shook her head. _"I have to watch my weight. Pie adds inches to my hips."

"As you wish. Now—" _I folded my hands and looked at her. "_—what seems to be the problem?"

_Sheena bit her lip. _"I...I think s-someone's following me."

"Following you? You mean, stalking you?"

"Y-yes! And it's becoming worse and worse!"

_I leaned back in my chair, chewing on a Twizzler. _"When did you first notice this was happening?"

"It all s-started a few weeks ago, I think!" _Sheena took a seat in front of my desk and clasped her hands together. _"When all the...the weird things started happening..."

"What sorts of weird things?" _I asked._

"Like...this constant feeling of being watched. Or tailed. Or something!"

_I raised an eyebrow. _"Do you have any hard evidence that you're being stalked?"

"Well...just a few days ago, I was doing my shift at Hooters, there was a message written on the window in barbeque sauce that said 'I'm coming for you, Sheena'! And then...and then...the guys at Hooters always seem to be looking at me! I mean, more than usual, that is! There's just this heavy sense of...something...watching me!"

_I made vaguely coherent notes on the legal pad in front of me, though they looked more like bad hentai if you looked at it through squinted eyes and really bad prescription sunglasses. _"Anything else?"

_Sheena thought for a moment. _"Strange things keep happening there," _she said. _"Food goes missing, guys chase after me like zombies, the lights flicker on and off, young girls vomit green acid onto the floor, things like that. A-and my co-workers tell me that those things only happen whenever I'm around..."

_Now this was interesting. _"Hmm." _I rubbed my chin and looked at Sheena, who had a pensive expression on her face. _"Do all these 'strange things' supposedly indicative of stalking only happen at Hooters?" _Sheena nodded mutely. "_Well, if this is a stalking case, it's certainly a most unusual one. You wouldn't happen to have any idea of who might be behind it, would you?"

"No..."

"Any old boyfriends...or girlfriends for that matter?"

_Sheena shook her head. _"My only boyfriend was...k-killed a month ago..."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." _I stood up and reached out to pat her arm. _"My condolences. Don't worry too much, Sheena, all right? I'll get to the bottom of this in a jiffy!"

_Sheena smiled faintly and rubbed at her eyes. _"Thank you so much, Detective." _Her eyes strayed to the wall, where there was a chart for job fees. _"What shall I do about the payment?"

"Well, I only take pies, cookies, and cakes."

"Will a dozen fat-free oatmeal cookies be enough? I'm afraid I haven't much in the way of sweets at home, what with my diet and all..."

"Normally I'd ask for half a pie as well, but I'll discount it for a good friend like you."

_Sheena sighed in relief. _"Thank you again, Detective. I'll always remember your kindness!"

_That's what they all say until I call them up on a lonely night in my apartment._

_Anyway, this was a puzzling puzzle indeed. Sheena claimed it was a stalking case, but all the suspicious incidents occurred only at her place of work. Surely if she had a real stalker, he or she or it would have been able to find out more personal information about Miss Fujibayashi by now. It simply did not make sense. I was good, but I was not quite that good. There were just too many things that I did not know and could not know. I was going to need outside resources to crack this one, that was for sure._

_I was going to need the services of Genis Sage, the All-Seeing Eye._

**(stick around for the next suspenseful installment of 'The Case of the Haunted Hooters')**

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk – Who's Yo' Daddeh?**

"Yanno," Genis says, "there's a lot of drama going on in the game about who your parents are."

"A lot of it—most of it, probably—can be traced back to the whole race and discrimination issue," Raine responds, calmly sipping her ninth cup of coffee and barely twitching an eye. "Like in our case."

"Or in the case of Blondie over there," Zelos retorts.

Sheena snorts. "Which one?"

This is a legitimate question, for over on the other end of the row of tables, Mithos Yggdrasill is sitting next to a freshly-bathed—and thus newly platinum blond—Kratos Aurion.

"Well," Kratos mumbles to himself, "at least I don't smell like a butcher shop anymore."

Mithos strokes his chin. "I dunno," he says. "I thought that was pretty sexy."

_**(MOVING ON, LOL)**_

"Blondes don't seem to have much luck in the parental drama department," Raine continued. "After all, Remiel pulled that number on Colette in the first half of the game."

Colette looks depressed.

Lloyd scowls.

Remiel plays a first-person shooter game at an arcade booth in a corner of the coffeehouse, the upper half of his body obscured by a thick red curtain.

"So..." Regal motions to a conveniently placed whiteboard on the wall behind him. Presea silently gets up and walks to the board, pulling out a marker from her pigtails. "For the story twists and plot points involving parentage, we have the whole brouhaha about the half-elves, Lloyd and Kratos' tragic family history, Colette and Remiel's divine comedy, and Virginia and Raine's Longbottom-esque story..."

"How about that thing with the Pope?" Zelos quips. "Now _that_ was dirty laundry if I ever saw it."

"I wouldn't forget about your own soiled clothes if I were you," Sheena says, smirking.

"Meh."

The marker squeaks cheerfully as Presea takes neat notes on the whiteboard.

Sheena sighs and spears the last of Lloyd's coffee cake with a plastic fork just as Lloyd is reaching for it. "Well, you're lucky, I suppose," she says, waving the fork absentmindedly in front of her mouth, undecided as to whether she wants to eat it. "At least you've got the familial laundry to air. I don't."

"Oh, yeah!" Genis says. "The people of Izumo found you in Gaoracchia Forest, right?"

Sheena nods. "My grandpa isn't my biological grandfather." She finally pops the coffee cake into her mouth, much to the chagrin of Lloyd, who had been eyeing it hungrily. She chews and swallows before continuing. "But it's not blood that matters; it's experience. And as far as I'm concerned, Grandpa _is_ my real grandpa...because he took me in and cared for me like I was really his grandkid."

Everyone around the table nods in sentimental agreement.

"Aww, how sweet..._like vinegar on jam-soaked pork rinds!_"

_KA-BLAMMO!_

One of the coffeehouse walls suddenly explodes, sending patrons, employees, and cameo characters once again running for cover.

Lloyd gets up on the table. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands, unsheathing the Material Blades.

A pair of glowing yellow eyes...and then a few more pairs of glowing yellow eyes...emerge from the thick smoke and dust. "It's a gourmet revolution is what it is!" the main figure growls.

Regal narrows his eyes. "It...it's the Dark Chef Alliance!"

Sure enough, the evil, insidious clones of the Wonder Chef stand before our heroes in a V-shaped formation, each wielding an over-sized version of a different utensil. "We represent culinary comrades in arms against the oppression of the tasteless lower class!" the leader booms, waving around a giant fork. "To protect the world from imitations!"

"Of satanic fast-food defecations!" his squad responds.

"To show the world how to cook 'em right!"

"So we can righteously steal people's appetites!"

"From those goody two-shoes white-hat Wonder Chefs!"

_WHACK! _"Stupid noob! That doesn't rhyme!"

"Ow! But it's true!"

"Well, I never said it wasn't."

"Then what's the problem with saying it if it's something we do?"

"Yeah, but don't you have _any_ sense of poetic justice? We have a specific rhyme scheme here, you uneducated, lowbrow, literarily-handicapped ignoramus, and I'll be damned if we don't follow it!"

"You're just jealous because you don't have the all-encompassing ability to see different points-of-view that's gained from a four-year bachelor's degree in college like I do!"

"I'm trying to see things from your point-of-view, but I can't _get my head that far up my ass!_"

"Well, maybe if you took that stick out of it, you'd—"

In a swish of his cloak, the Dark Chef Leader whirls around and flicks a wrist.

A flurry of colored toothpicks flies out from his fingers and straight into the throats of the two bickering minions.

_TH-THHHK!_

Their mouths freeze in mid-argument.

A pause.

They fall to their knees.

They slump forward...

_BONK!_

And crash into each other's foreheads.

The Dark Chef Leader clears his throat. "Ahem. Forgive the mild disruption. Now...to continue!" He strikes a pose. "Dark Chef Leader!"

"Generic Dark Chef minions!"

"Dark Chef Alliance, to gourmet delicacies and beyond!"

"Surrender now, and we won't cook you in century-old wonton!"

"Oh, geez..." Genis rolls his eyes. "You catch 'em once, and you catch 'em all."

"Silence, sub-standard cook!" The Dark Chef Leader points his fork at Genis. "Go quietly, and I'll freeze you in chocolate instead of boiling you in extra virgin olive oil with chili peppers!"

"Hey, will you keep it down over there?" Remiel shouts. "I can't hear my mission objectives!"

_SWOOSH! _One of the Dark Chef minions flings a sharp spatula in Remiel's direction.

The cooking implement pierces through the curtains of the arcade booth.

_THK!_

A gurgled cry is heard from within.

Blood begins to seep out from all corners of the booth.

"_Hey!_" Lloyd shouts. "I had dibs on that bastard!"

The Dark Chef Leader smirks and shrugs. "Too bad, so sad. But everyone has to eat their vegetables eventually."

"You..." Colette's eyes well up with tears. "You killed my father!"

"No, my dear." The Dark Chef Leader glows with an unholy aura. "_I...ATE...**your father!**"_

Colette slaps her palms to her cheeks a la "The Scream."

Zelos rushes across the line of tables from the villains' end, trampling beverages, confections, and hands along the way. "Eat _this_, you son-of-an-English-biscuit!" he howls, swinging his sword wildly as remnants of Kratos' scones squish out from the bottoms of his shoes. "_HI-KEEEEEBAAAA!"_

_STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!_

Kratos sighs. "Why do I even bother getting sustenance anymore?"

The Dark Chef Leader looks up at the sound of Zelos' pounding footsteps. His eyes widen as he realizes he's about to be decapitated in the next second—

_SWOOOSH!_

Noir suddenly blurs onto the scene and slices Zelos' head off with Myrkblade.

_SLLKKK!_

Zelos' head flies through the air and onto a plastic plant stationed by the entrance.

The Dark Chef Leader blinks. "Uh...thanks?"

Noir smiles and delivers a message in sign language. '_What's up **your** ass today?' _

And he vanishes in a puff of obsidian smoke.

From behind the counter, Mia sighs. "Sheesh, that's the seventh time I'll need to cast _Revive_ this week," she mutters, untying her apron as she heads for Zelos' headless corpse. "I'm not made of Psynergy, people!"

Meanwhile, Sheba's trotted off to find the store phone. "Does anyone know the number of the Bernadelli Insurance Society?" she calls.

ToS-ToS-ToS

**THE LLOYD IRVING SHOW: I Review Fics Based on One Random Sentence!**

"This is the Lloyd Irving Show! It's not the Irving Lloyd Show! This is not my favorite show, because it is my worthless son's show!" Kratos sings the theme song in his famously off-key tenor voice, decked out in a red Japanese schoolgirl uniform. "If this were my show, you'd probably like it more, because it would be my show and it would be hot! But it's not my show, no, it's the Lloyd Irving Shoooooooooowww!"

Cameras spin and lights flash as Lloyd walks out onto the stage wearing a suit and tie. He waves at his audience members, and deigns to even shake a few of their hands before addressing the main camera. "Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the Lloyd Irving Show!" he greets, flashing a smile. "We've got a great show here tonight, like always! For the celebrity guests, Zero Gee a.k.a. Diana Meners will be here tonight"—at this there's a number of catcalls from the audience—"Yeah, yeah, down, fanboys." Laughter. "We've also got the Incredible, Not-So-Edible Eggman here to talk about how to properly take over the world and also to interrogate him about his recently questionable relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog. And last, but not least, Yuka and her Jammin' Jems will playing their new hit single 'Shimmering Emerald'!"

The audience cheers and roars.

"But first..." Lloyd grins widely and throws out his hands. "It's time for...'I Review Fics Based on One Random Sentence'!"

Over in the live band, Genis strums a few chords on his electric guitar, wearing a black beret, black tank top, and black jeans. Behind him, Presea mans the drums and Seles sounds off a jazz trumpet. The two girls are dressed in black turtleneck sweaters, black pleated mini-skirts, black stockings, and saddle shoes.

Lloyd strides easily over to his desk and sits down, shuffling through a few notecards. "Now, everyone knows I'm an advocate for easy-breezy literacy," he says. "No brain, no pain! Hence, why I review these fics based only on one random sentence. It's just too much trouble to go through and read the whole thing, yanno? Edumacation takes too long." Murmurs of agreement. Lloyd clears his throat. "Well, here we go!

"Starting off tonight's line-up of formidable fics is CerridwynBradhadairWyver's fantastical masterpiece _Lord of the Plushies: The Fellowship of the Plushies_! Don't be fooled by the cutesy title—this is one gut-wrenching angstfest, as can be seen with this line: '_What are you doing? No! NO! NOOO!' He shouted as she flapped her wings and carried him off. _Not only is _Lord of the Plushies_ a veritable homage to Mr. Tolkien's epic, but it is also an epic in its own right, seamlessly weaving social commentary on the rampant abuse of plushies with a compelling tale of heartbreak and redemption. Although I think the main character could stand to get some breast-reduction surgery, yanno what I'm sayin'?"

Silence.

"...anyway, while we're on the topic of heartbreak, let's take a look at _Rewind, Book One: And so it begins_ by Crimson the Hyper. Crimson introduces an element of doubt early on that will become very vital in the outcome of this fic when she writes: '_They're only after Genis and me anyway. And besides, we have the Chosen on our side! The savior who will regenerate the world! Right, Colette?' Lloyd said. _This constant questioning in a plea for an affirmation of goodness and light is brutally shattered with a revelation about Genis' feelings towards pink fluffy bathrobes that drives Raine to suicide a la Sylvia Plath. Despite the numerous twists, turns, and pitfalls, by the end of the fic, we're right back at the beginning again. It's like you never read the thing! Absolutely amazing!

"For a refreshing change of pace, let's turn our attention to _Mia's Kitty _by Dracobolt, a cautionary tale about why pussies are just too much trouble!" There's feminine hisses from the audience. "What? Just check this here sentence: _Snowflake's claws were kneading into his thighs as she settled down, and those claws were currently too close to a certain part of Ivan's anatomy for his comfort. _If that doesn't say something about the danger of kitties, then I don't know what does! Miss Dracobolt is skillful in her execution of this fic, managing to convey the dark side of cats without having to resort to graphic mutilations a la _Hostel_. Add in a teaspoon of her fine humor, harvested fresh from the plantations of Jamaica, plus Felix in a black cat costume singing the Meow Mix theme, and you've got yourself a winner of a fic!

"_Pink Summer_ by Jadax is a light-hearted story about Mimi Tachikawa opening up a juice bar in a Hawaiian mega-mall complex, which leads to a brief but intense encounter with her old schoolmate Sora. However, Sora's not the one who notices Mimi's new venture at first. '_So, what's this place? I never saw it in here before,' Taichi looked around at the crowded mall they were in. _Yes, folks, it's Sora's then-boyfriend who gives her the heads-up that eventually throws Sora and Mimi together for a fling in paradise. How's that for irony? It's a sweet, short romance—perfect for sunny days at the beach if you can get Net connection through the sandbars!

"_The Addventures of the Talking Soda _by LloydIrvingisMine—_beautiful_ name, by the way—is a theoretical screenplay about...well...a talking soda. Now, before you dismiss this as simply a wannabe Aqua Teen Hunger Force, listen to this piece of dialogue. _Link: 'Not really Bongo Bongo is not that hard after fighting him once already, And we got two of the sodas!' _The presence of the Hero of Time is part of what makes this screenplay so memorable, but it's far from the only thing! Though he and the eternally unnamed talking soda start off on the wrong foot at first, a daring rescue mission quickly dissolves any enmity between them, and they remain dangerously cheesy friends for the remainder of the fic. This, amusingly enough, causes the normally sedate and sagely Saria to go off into random bouts of jealousy armed with a giant wooden spork. Overall, four-star!

"If you're into foreign love with a sting, then _Mi Amor, Muffy_ by Love Star is your thing! A series of vignettes featuring the lovable gals from Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life heartily sleeping their way through Europe! It's not just men that get in on the action, either, as we can see here: _She wasn't moving, and for a moment, my heart leapt back into my throat, 'N-Nami?' _Let me tell you, I haven't seen nymphomania to the likes of this since Anais Nin's Delta of Venus, which seems like a very obvious model for this fic. Doomed to never be able to fully satisfy each other, Nami, Muffy, and Celia all must turn to the poor unfortunate hotties of France, Spain, Germany, and other places in an attempt to find hedonistic happiness. It's erotica without actually being erotic!"

"But how can it be erotica then?" Genis wonders aloud.

Lloyd ignores this lapse in logic and moves on. "For all those who loved Disney's _Lilo & Stitch_, you'll get a definite kick out of Luray123's _Ohana_, a speculative fic about what would happen if Stitch's 625 other cousins were working for Yggdrasill in Cruxis. Needless to say, hilarity ensues and all that jazz. I mean, we can't even tell Stitch's cousins apart. Poor Colette, who's normally adept at identifying the various idiosyncrasies of warm furry creatures, is at a loss as to what to do in this crucial moment of the fic: '_That one!' Colette pointed at some beat-up looking thing. _What happens after Colette makes her fateful decision? Well, I won't give away the details, but suffice to say that nobody gets forgotten or left behind. Oh, and as a bonus chapter, we get to see Lilo take on the role of Chosen after Zelos mysteriously falls ill from eating too many Twinkies! What can I say? He had it comin'!

"Now here's a rare treat: an action and suspense fic set in the Animal Crossing world, with a political flavor to it! _The Meaning of Power_ by Musical Kitten tells the story of an ideal Marxist Communist revolution engineered by a teenage schemer and William Hung fan named Leah. _Leah figured she could trust Gulliver, so she told him about Nook and about the revolution the villagers were planning._ But everything gets screwed up once she finds out that Nook is not Nook but is, in fact, a ROBOT!"

Presea's pigtails twitch involuntarily at this.

"What starts out as a workers' fight for rights turns into an Smash Brothers-style free-for-all complete with baseball bats, cloaking devices, and giant molesting hands! I truly loved the action in this one, folks. I hear there's plans underway for making this into a movie, directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Chiaki Kuriyama as Leah. Personally, I'd like to see Tom Cruise as Robot Nook, but we can't have everything, now, can we?

"We're almost to the end! Next up is _Welcome to the Club_ by the ever-inimitable Post, a fic told entirely from the point-of-view of a lazy good-for-nothing named Brian O'Brien, who observes the comings and goings of the veritably costumed ladies at the aptly named Generic Local Country Club. _Indeed, I watched as he gathered the women and children, having them run/crawl towards the direction of the exit_, he writes from Mr. O'Brien's point-of-view as he takes note of a visiting politician. I was a little disturbed by the voyeuristic quality of this fic, but Post's keen observance skills were able to put me at ease. At least until those dang Berbers showed up.

"How are y'all on happy endings? How about hopeful endings? Well, I suppose that one could suggest the other, but anyway, Serenity MoonSinger's _Hopefully Ever After _wonderfully re-tells the story of Cinderella—set in Tethe'alla, of course. Or, dare I say it might be more appropriate to call the main character 'Cinderegal'? You'd think it couldn't happen, but it always does. Miss Moonsinger does a great job of addressing the complex issues of Regal's position in Tethe'alla, drawing eerie parallels to the classic fairy tale and even going beyond that. This line encompasses much of the psychological depth present in this fic: _Now that he was sitting across from Regal, instead of at the other end of the table, Lloyd noticed that Regal still kept his hands together, as if they were still shackled, most of the time. Hopefully Ever After_ is the untold story of Regal's private, hidden Cinderella story. A must-read if you're a sucker for multi-dimensional gender issues and allegories that don't really exist.

"Finally, we've got the crazy, the hazy, and just plain amaze-y _Sugar Rush Extreme _by Teddy-the-Bear. Are you getting Dreamstreet vibes from that title? If you do, you're spot-on. This is one helluva crossover fic, let me tell you! Dreamstreet drops in on Sylvarant and promptly upstages Raine as the foremost academic authority in the land! Yeah, I still can't believe it either. I mean, can you imagine this utterance from the Professor: '_Oh, snap, I just remembered! I was supposed to add to that equasion..._' And the idea that members of a boy band are actually smart!" There's a chorus of "oooh's" from the studio. "Oh, come on, y'all know you were all thinking the same thing! Twisted minds think alike and all that. Anyway, if you dig pretty boys with brains mingling with your favorite Symphonia characters, go right ahead and look up _Sugar Rush Extreme_! I guarantee you, it'll be a rush!"

The audience claps wildly and cheers.

Lloyd takes a sip of butterbeer from his mug and grins. "Folks, if you have a fic you want me to review based on one random sentence, go ahead and send it to LloydIrvingIsHotness Omega at sylvarant dot net! We'll be right back with the slightly mental, southern Oriental Zero Gee! Don't go away!"

Genis, Seles, and Presea all play filler jazz music as the show fades to a commercial break that never comes...

ToS-ToS-ToS

**MINI-SERIES: _PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Six_**

In the shipping hold of Mana Enterprises, Secret Agent Genis Sage menacingly aims a laser pistol at Regal Bryant, a.k.a. Dandy, Symphonia S.W.A.T. team-member-turned-traitor-or-perhaps-was-always-a-traitor-and-just-hid-it-behind-a-biseinen-facade-and-angst-sessions-and-OH-LOOK-SHINY-HANDCUFFS. Anyway. "You've got some explaining to do, mister," Genis snarls.

Regal smirks. "What's there to explain?" he asks, spreading his arms out dramatically. "I love Presea—surely that says enough!"

A long and exceedingly pregnant silence waddles in...and waddles out.

"Dude, is this loli?" Zelos whispers to Sheena.

"Srsly," Sheena agrees, nodding sagely.

"Are you going to start giving me meadowmuffins about the power of love and all that?" Genis sneers. "Hate to say it, but Celine Dion is gone with the wind. No, really, what's the _real_ reason you betrayed us, you jack-face?"

"Betray? I cannot betray something I never believed in!" Regal declares. He stands protectively and proudly behind the android Presea. "You foolish children, believing you even stood a change of dismantling Mana Enterprises. Why, even if you did manage such an impossible feat, Mana Enterprises would only be scratching the surface!"

"Then why even join us in the first place?" Sheena growls, her eyes glowing green with restrained psychic energy.

"Because Presea had done so!" Regal snaps. "She was a brilliant girl, with talent, genius, maturity, and pink hair beyond her years! Presea was the Christine to my Phantom! I loved her, and so dearly wanted to bring her to her full potential. But in order to do so, I had to convince her to trade the silly ideals of Symphonia S.W.A.T. for the very real visions of Mana Enterprises—which she did!"

"Oh, right, because she totally did that without having you get her pigtails in a pretty little twist," Lloyd drawls.

Regal smiles thinly. "Of course she did. Love isn't love if it's not done freely."

Genis whips out a second laser pistol. "Listen, talk ain't cheap," he says. "But I'd certainly rather duel this out in words than with weapons. What did you mean when you said that destroying Mana Enterprises would only be scratching the surface?"

Regal crosses his arms smugly. "That Mana Enterprises is merely a subordinate of a larger organization—and that larger organization happens to be Lezareno Corporations!"

A chorus of gasps from the Symphonia S.W.A.T. "No freakin' way..." Lloyd breathes.

"_YOU LIE!"_ Genis shouts, the pistols trembling in his hands with his confusion and anger. "L-Lezareno Corporations funded practically all of our missions!"

"The irony is quite gorgeous, isn't it?" Regal cackles. "Lezareno Corporations, funding Symphonia S.W.A.T's missions to take down Mana Enterprises so that Lezareno could cover its own fat arse in the eyes of the public...really, only a genius like me could have conceived such a brilliant plan."

"Such as 'you'?" Colette wanted to know.

Regal cackles again. "Don't you know?" he says. "The president of Lezareno Corporations...is _me!_"

A storm blares in the background, the flashes of lightning lending a maniacal gleam to Regal's eyes.

"You bastard!" Zelos shouts, a battle aura glowing around him. _FW-WEEM-WEEM-WEEM!_ His long red hair flaps dangerously with the magical wind conjured from the aura. "It was _your_ lousy-ass corporation that killed my sister!"

"My 'lousy-ass' corporation was doing nothing except its job," Regal replies calmly.

"Oh?" Genis asks. "And what was that?"

"Functioning as a one-dimensional, pseudo-mysterious background boogeyman for a storyline that has no real plot."

Everyone facefaults.

Regal raises an eyebrow. "What? You asked, didn't you?"

A wall of the shipping hold inexplicably crumbles to the ground. _CRAAASSSH!_

Lloyd sharpens his katanas against each other like a fork and knife—_SHNK-SHNK-SHNK-SHNK!—_and slides into an offensive stance. "People like you are the lowest of the low!" he growls. "You're going _down!_"

"Oh, not if I can help it." Regal bends down and wraps his arms around Presea's shoulders. "Sing, my angel! Sing...my angel of _annihilation! MWAHAHAHA!_"

"_iT iS oF tHe HoUr To PeRiSh..._" With that, Presea opens her mouth insanely wide to reveal a giant uvula sporting six super-powered missiles.

_SH-SH-SH-SH-SH-SHWOOOOOM!_

"Everyone, take cover!" Genis yells.

_KA-BOOOOM! BOOM!_

Explosions rattle the shipping hold, saturating the air with dust and thick smoke. Coughing can be heard everywhere from the Symphonia S.W.A.T. as they try to recover.

"Argh!" Zelos grumbles. "What happened to the damn computer monitor? It totally blanked out on me!"

"Zelos, you're not on the Internet surfing for porn at the moment," comes Sheena's mildly-annoyed correction. "Hang on, let me see if I can use my powers to pinpoint where Presea is..."

"Sheena, don't!" Genis warns. "Presea can probably sense your—!"

_SCHWEEM! _There's a flash of green as Sheena activates her psychic powers. "I've got it!" she yells. "Presea's at B4!"

"Where the hell is B4?" Lloyd yells back.

"I don't know! I was hoping you could tell me!"

"It wouldn't happen to be anywhere near K9, would it?" Colette asks.

"_b...4..." _A whirring sound. "_i HaVe SuNk YoUr BaTtLeShIp."_

_SHWOOOOM! BLAM!_

"Aaaauugh!" Sheena is slammed hard in her gut by a mini-missile. She flies back and crashes painfully into a stack of wooden crates. One of them topples onto her head. _SMAASH! _"Ugh..." Sheena slumps over.

The smoke is starting to clear now. Zelos' battle aura glows even brighter than before. "Hey, now!" he growls. "_I'm_ the only one allowed to sink Sheena's battleships with my missiles, you got that?"

Genis facepalms. "Quit while you're ahead, please..."

Zelos tenses his arms.

Clenches his fists.

Closes his eyes.

Scrunches his brow.

Squats down a little.

Takes a deep breath.

And...

"HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH—"

_PFFFFF-FFT-FFT-FFTTT!_

"Eeek!" Colette clasps her hands to her nose, nearly dropping her explosives. "It smells...it smells...it smells like..."

"Oh, boy, it smells all right," Genis says, wobbling slightly and holding a sleeve to his face to save his olfactory nerves. "Zelos! What the hell were you thinking? Presea's an android—she can't smell anything!"

Zelos straightens up again and brushes off his bum, smirking. "Oh, come on, even an android like her has to have smelled _that!"_ His smirk suddenly drops dead as he realizes that Presea is standing right behind him. "...or not."

"_fOoLiSh FeMaLe DoG,"_ Presea says. "_yOuR fLaTuLeNcE cAnNoT hUrT mE."_ Her metallic pigtails swivel around, aim straight at Zelos, and open a round of machine gun fire. ­_RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT!_

A beat.

Zelos blinks.

Slowly...bloody bullet holes pop open at various points on his body.

Presea stares.

So does everyone else.

Zelos looks around inquiringly.

The holes continue to bleed.

Colette fidgets.

Lloyd whistles the Jeopardy tune.

Genis raises an eyebrow.

"...hey, uh...this isn't where I'm supposed to fall down and pass out, is it?" Zelos asks meekly.

Presea nods.

Zelos pouts. "That's inferior! I didn't even get to unleash my Pimpwave Bonanza yet! Don't I get at least a few more lines?"

Regal taps his wristwatch impatiently.

"Oh." Zelos sighs. "Fine, fine. But I expect to get paid extra for this." _FWUMP!_

"Dammit!" Genis grits his teeth. "That's two of us she's taken down already!" He aims his pistols. "Forgive me, Presea...for I can't forgive you for what you've done!" He unloads the laser pistols on her petite androidal figure.

_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_

Presea dodges the bullets with amazing ease. She skids to a stop some distance away. "_hA, hA, hA,_" she laughs, her deadpan expression never changing. "_cAn YoU sMeLl WhAt ThE AxMaN iS cOoKiNg?" _She launches another missile from her mouth again, one heading straight for Genis.

Genis freezes to his spot. The missile's too fast, and he's too slow. He says a quick Hail Martel and prepares to die—

—only to have Lloyd dive-tackle him out of harm's way and onto the ground. _FWUMP! _

_BLAM! _The missile crashes into a wall and explodes.

Lloyd looks at Genis. "You okay there?"

Genis grins and shoves Lloyd off him. "Thanks, buddy, but I could've dodged that one easily."

Lloyd rolls his eyes and stands up. "What, using the power of the Matrix? I don't think so."

Genis' eyes widen. "Lloyd! Look out!"

"What?"

_FWWOOOOSSSH—CLUNK! _

The incoming missile is deflected upwards and in the opposite direction by Lloyd's impossibly gelled hair. It sails through the ceiling—_SMASH!—_and into the sky, where it explodes in a burst of colorful fireworks that spell out "HAIR ERECTIONS FTW!" Though thusly re-routed, it has done its damage.

"Oooooh-wee..." Lloyd flails about, swirly-eyed. "Fry the pretty birdies!" He blacks out and collapses right on top of Genis.

"Ack!" Genis grunts as he tries to shove Lloyd off him. "Lloyd, get up! Get off me, dammit! WHAT WILL THE FANGIRLS THINK?!"

Meanwhile, Colette is launching her own offensive, using her disk-shaped explosives. "T-take that!" she stutters, flinging a disk. "And that! And that!" Her arms pinwheel into a disk-flinging frenzy. "Just stop hurting my friends pleeeeaaasssee?"

Presea turns around and advances on Colette, unharmed by the explosives. She lifts a hand. A compartment slides open in her palm and ejects something bright at Colette. _FWWWPP! _

"Eeek!" Colette's smacked in the face by the projectile. She pulls it off her face...and finds herself holding a pair of pristine white panties. "Huh?" She stretches them curiously with both hands.

_BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! _"Warning," the panties intone. "These panties will self-destruct in five second. Please place your hand between your legs and bid your clitoris good-bye. Remember that this is completely safe to try at home. Thank you for shopping at Lezareno Corporations this holiday season."

"What? But it's not even Christmastime yet—"

_KA-BLAM! _

Genis manages to push Lloyd's unconscious body off him just in time to see Colette engulfed in a bright white (and cottony fresh!) explosion. He looks around him in horror. "No..." he whispers. "This can't be..."

Sheena buried under a pile of crates.

Zelos bleeding on the floor.

Lloyd unconscious at his feet.

And Colette burned to kingdom come.

Genis drops to his knees and screams. "_Nooooooooo!" _

"Face it, Genis Sage," Regal says, joining Presea at her side once more. "You are nothing in this world. Give it up and go home...if you even have one to go to! Mwahahaha!"

Genis bows his head, clenching his fists on his thighs. He is silent.

Outside, the storm starts up again, pouring sheets of rain onto the shipping hold.

Regal smiles. "Let us go, dear Presea." He places a hand on her shoulder. "You and I have an entire world to conquer..."

"...n-no..."

Regal and Presea stop and turn around.

Genis has gotten to his feet. He stands determinedly. "No," he repeats. "I'm not giving up that easily." His pale white hair drapes in front of his face, casting stark shadows and hardening his childish features.

"You don't say," Regal says, seeming unsure of what Genis was up to.

"Oh, but I _do_ say." Genis slides back the sleeve of his trenchcoat with a hand, revealing a gleaming metal arm. "See, I made a promise to my friends...to Marble...and I'll be damned if I don't keep it."

**_(to be continued in the last exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT) _**

ToS-ToS-ToS

**INTERVIEW REEEEE-MIX****: When Lloyd Met Colette - Awwww Yeah! **

"Wen did Cole an' I first meet? Hell if I know. Feels like I've always known her. Mmm-hmm."

"Yeah, I don't remembuh meetin' ya either. Not dat I've forgotten yuh or anythin'...know what ah'm sayin'?"

"Sho 'nuff!"

"I jus' mean dat...y'always bin dere fo' me! It feels like ya bin wiff me forevuh, mmm-hmm. It's really tight when ya tho't 'bout it—ain't no beginning or end ta our connex! We be destined ta share all things in da 'hood!"

"Smiles, wut wut!"

"Teeaaaaaaaars!"

"Laughtuh!"

"Birthdays, yeah!"

"And lunches."

"Lunches? What 'choo be talkin' 'bout, foo'?"

"I always gave yuh mah celery sticks an' broccoli. Don't make me shank ya, now!"

"Oh, daaaas right. And I used ta give ya half o' mah PB and chizzle sandwich. Ya dang 'hood rat!"

"Man, dose were soooooome kind o' tasty. Dayum...now ah'm hungry..."

"Yo, remember dat time we's made dat 'ants on uh log' thang usin' yo celery stix ta, yanno, git da PB off mah sandwichizzle?"

"Wid dem sunflower seeds dat almost killed ya cuz I made you laugh with mah impression o' Miz Raine crossed wiff Pops?"

"Fo' rizzle! Dat wuz Genis' shizzle, yeah?"

"Sho 'nuff! Jacked 'em from his desk when he wasn' lookin'. Awwww yeah."

"I ain't down wid sunflower seeds, yo."

"Hey, now, don't be hatin'. We didn't have none of dem raisins around. Carlotta usually had da goods, but she wuz one mean mutha."

"Carlotta braided mah dreads ta da back of mah chair, once...dumb ho..."

"Fo' shizzle. We had ta git up one o' dem box cutters to git ya free. Ya should've stuck wid dat fro, yanno, cuz you looked like soooome kind o' cute."

"But man, I looked like a boy! Pops tole me if I looked like a boy, Big Momma Oracle wouldn't know me when mah time came and den the world would end, an' it'd all be my fault."

"Mmm-hmm. Co-Co here an' I gots known each other for-_evuh_, like dis, ya know wut ah'm sayin'? So it ain't like I remember meetin' her. But if you _really_ wanted ta go way back, ya know, like waaaaaay back, da firs' memory I gots o' her is when she up an' volunteered ta git dat chicken pox wiff me so's I wouldn't be lonely while I wuz sick. Hell if I know how someone 'volunteers' to git sick, but dat's what Colette did. Man, 'choo be _sooooome_ kind o' crazy sometimes, ya know dat?"

"Well, sor-rie!"

"Nah, it's coo', it's coo'. Ya wouldn't be you wiffout a li'l crazy-style."

"...chii-izzle?"

"We wuz real young, like prob'ly five o' so. It wuz nice o' her an' all, but...a li'l whack, too, ya know wut I'm sayin'?"

"Homiez share ev'rythang!"

"Tru dat, tru dat. Pops let me crash at her crib when I wuz down, cuz he don' know how to deal with it. Whooo, dat wuz the _shizzat_, yo! 'Cept we wuz scratchin' ourselves most of da time."

"We picked out dem constellashuns on each other wid a pencil!"

"Eheheheheh..."

"You had Li'l Efreet and da Mana Tree, and I had 50-Volt."

"What'choo be sayin'? 50-Volt wuz just some ol' scab on yuh!"

"But I still had 'im, didn't I? Didn't I? Daaaaas right, you back down like dat..."

"Mmm-hmm. Dat wuz some kind o' interestin'."

"Yo, remembuh da soup G-mama made fer us?"

"Screw dat! Remembuh da soup _Miz Raine_ made?"

"...man, dat made me throw up like a mutha."

"I _tole_ yuh not ta eat it, but yuh didn't listen t'me! Chicken soup ain't s'posed ta be green, and da noodles ain't s'posed ta crunch when ya eat 'em!"

"Aww, c'mon, Miz Raine looked like her dawg jus' died or summin' when she dropped by!"

"Jeeeezus. Even back then ya wuz itchin' for a bitchin'."

"Sorry, bro..."

"Nah, it be coo'. Ah'm jus' sayin' dat's how ya wuz back den."

"Hey, I ain't like dat no mo', am I?"

"Well, when Z-Man got busted by the feds dat one time in da streets of Altamira, yuh didn't jump in to get taken in wid 'im, did ya?"

"Only cuz Sheena tole me he'd make me do some bad shizzle if I did."

"Yeah? Spill."

"Dunno. Didn't say."

"Maybe he'd make ya go and pop a cap in Regal's ass? Or, like, pull a gun on one o' dem coppers? Or jack some cotton candy off a punk?"

"Now why the _heck_ would he want me to do dat wen he be in da howse?"

"Miz Raine says dat some people get a li'l crazy in da howse an' den dey get an' itchin' ta go ice someone, yanno?"

"Oh."

"Well, at least he was cuffed up faster 'n you can say 'werd,' so, y'know...he couldn't really do nuthin'."

"I kinda felt bad fer 'im, y'know? But it wuz da _bomb_ to chill wit 'choo an' all! We crashed the amusement park an' ev'rythang, jus' me and mah man. We hopped the roller coaster and da Ferris Wheel..."

"An' ya jumped dat guy at the game booth and done snagged yerself a giant teddy bear."

"Now dat was some kind o' cute!"

"If ya liked it so much, why'd ya go and dump it on Z-man? I mean, 'sup wit dat?"

"Well, he tole me dat he wuz a li'l lonely cooped wid da feds, yeah? So I gives it ta him so's dat he'd always have someone wid 'im even if I ain't dere!"

"Ahaha...I can dig it, yo...I can dig it..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**SKIT****: Studying the Inside of Your Eyelids **

It's another night outdoors for the intrepid team of Lloyd and his companions: Colette, Genis, Professor Raine, and the enigmatic mercenary Kratos. As Genis cooks up their dinner—roasted pheasant with spices fresh from their last stop in Palmacosta—and Raine sits in the tent, reading a book she had procured from a traveling merchant, Lloyd and Colette are gathered around the campfire, enjoying each other's company. Off in the shadows, Kratos sits cross-legged, his eyes closed, and his sword at his side.

Lloyd (rather jealously) notices Colette's eyes transfixed on the solitary swordsman. "What're you looking at him for?" he asks, trying to keep the edge out of his voice.

"Oh!" Colette smiles. "I was just thinking...Kratos is pretty cool, isn't he?"

Lloyd scowls silently. "I suppose so."

"I really admire his discipline, you know. He always meditates every night, and for such a long period of time! I wonder how he does it?"

Lloyd purses his lips.

His gaze falls on Kratos.

A beat.

Lloyd gets up.

He walks over to Kratos.

He pokes Kratos in the shoulder.

_FWUMP! _

Kratos promptly topples over onto the ground and lets out a roar of a snore, never once opening his eyes.

Lloyd smirks. "He's sleeping."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**FEATURE PARODY****: Kill _WHO? _**

_The House of OOCness (located on the corner of 87th and Walgreens for your dining pleasure, walk-ins are welcome, for reservations please call 426-I-PWN-J00) is enjoying a pleasantly busy night tonight. Not because Miss Zhael Tazuki is singing her lovely tunes onstage clad in a shimmery pink gown, vocally backed by the Inner Sailor Scouts, nor is it because more Mary Sues are being churned out by the millisecond, nor is it even because there are more instances of the weepy!uke!Mithos theme than stars in the sky, or flies in your soup for that matter. _

_No, the House of OOCness is bustling tonight for one reason, and one reason only. _

_Her name is O-Shee Fujibayashi, queen of the yakuza. An orphan at birth, she was raised in Izumo and quickly trained to be a highly efficient kunoichi. She proved herself to be a ruthless warrior, dispatching all those in her way...**especially **those who questioned the purity of her lineage. Rumor had it that she had elven blood running through her veins, and thus made her unworthy to lead such a vast kingdom as that of the Meltokian underground. Whatever the truth was, she sent any naysayers running to their graves. There is no doubt as to the vast range of her skill, and the extent to which she will wield her power. _

_She and her personal team of bodyguards (known as the Crazy 69's) are dining now on the second level of the restaurant, in the VIP room. I can hear them from here, laughing and roaring and having just a dandy old time. _

_Well, that's going to change very, very soon. _

"O-Shee! You and I have unfinished business!"

Sheena, dressed in a pure white kimono and sitting _seiza_ at the low table, blinks twice.

She gets up, opens the sliding door, and heads onto the balcony, looking out.

Zelos, who is wearing a long black cheongsam dress and has his red hair in a braid, stands in the middle of the dance floor, looking absolutely terrified. "Please don't mess up the hair, please don't mess up the hair, please don't mess up the hair..." he continually whimpers.

Sheena's eyes narrow.

From behind Zelos...

Colette steps out.

She's clad in a yellow track jacket and yellow track pants with a thick black stripe running down either side of the outfit.

She holds a gleaming katana in her hand.

Revenge and hatred are written all over her angelic face.

Sheena inhales sharply. "**_(OMG NAME CENSORED_),**" she whispers.

Brown eyes meet with blue ones.

**_COLETTE-VISION _**

_Extreme close-up of Colette's eyes. _

_A siren begins to wail. _

_A drum beat pounds. _

_Red-tinted footage of Sheena kicking around Colette's pet dog is juxtaposed over the shot._

**_END COLETTE-VISION _**

Colette raises her katana.

In one slick motion of polished steel—

_SLASH! _

Zelos' left arm detaches itself from his shoulder.

A crimson fountain of fruit punch-flavored Kool-Aid practically geysers out of the severed socket.

Patrons and yakuza alike gasp in terror.

_THUMP! _

Zelos drops to the floor, writhing and screaming in agony, painting the walls and floor red with his convulsions of pain.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH! AAAH! AAAAAAAAUUGH!" _

Colette ignores the high-pitched wails. Her gaze unwavering, she begins to advance on Sheena, one calm step at a time.

The staff, the band, and the customers of the House of OOCness shriek wildly.

They stampede for the exits as Colette marches ever closer to her target.

Meanwhile, the Crazy 69's scramble to form a human wall between Colette and Sheena...although one of them slips and falls into a nearby koi pond. _KER-SPLASH! _

A beat.

The restaurant is now completely empty, save for Colette, Sheena, and the Crazy 69's. Oh, and the shrieking form of Zelos still flailing in the background, practically swimming in his own juices.

Sheena speaks a name. "Remiel."

Remiel emerges from the rest of the Crazy 69's. He dons a black tuxedo and a Mardi Gras-esque feather mask over his face.

He deftly flips over the railing of the balcony, lands on his feet, and whips out his sword.

_CHNNNG! _

His nostrils flare.

His eyebrows scrunch up.

He opens his mouth—

"_AIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIIII!" _

And he charges straight for Colette.

**_STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP_**_— _

Colette silently raises her sword and settles into a striking stance.

Remiel, still screaming, is almost onto her.

Colette waits.

Remiel leaps and swings...

Colette leaps and swings...

_SW-SWISH **CLANG! **_

The top half of Remiel's blade flies off.

Remiel stares dumbly at his decapitated weapon.

_SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! _

Like a dancer of death, Colette spins and slashes at Remiel, who is too slow to escape.

Her blonde hair whirls gracefully around her.

She barely bats an eyelash.

**_SL-SL-SL-LAAAAAAASH! _**

With a final flourish, Colette holds out her sword to one side, kneels slightly on one knee, and bows her head.

Another beat.

Remiel falls apart to bloody ribbons on the ground, his flesh and clothes unraveling into a sloppy little pile of sinews and pulverized bone.

Sheena grits her teeth in rage. "_Tear that bitch to shreds!_" she screams in her native Izuman.

Six more members of the Crazy 69's unsheathe their swords with a loud, resounding **_SHIINNGGG! _**

They rush down the steps, banzai-ing the whole way.

**_STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP_**_— _

They surround Colette.

Colette isn't fazed.

One swipe of her sword is enough to take down four of the six.

_SLAAAAAASSHH! _

As the victims gurgle their last breaths through bloody slits in their throat, the remaining two attack Colette at the same time.

Colette jumps up into the air.

The swords clang together and meet in the middle from a horizontal slash. _CLANG! _

Colette lands daintily on the point where the two blades touch.

Her opponents' mouths gape wide in awe and fear.

Colette gives a barely imperceptible smirk.

Their mouths gape wider...

_SLASH! _

_—_and suddenly hinge back as the top half of their heads are severed from the corners of their mouths up.

_TH-THUMP! _

Fountains of Kool-Aid gush from their exposed throats.

Colette vaults off the swords, somersaults in the air, and lands on her feet.

She grabs a cup from a nearby table and holds it out to catch the Kool-Aid spurting in the air.

Once it's filled, Colette downs the thing in one gulp and then tosses the cup to the side, where it shatters on the floor.

_CRRASH! _

She wipes her mouth with the back of her arm and makes eye contact with Sheena again.

Her red-stained lips are pinched in a firm line of determination.

Sheena's face is carefully blank.

"So, O-Shee," Colette says, flicking her sword to get the remnants of the Kool-Aid off it. "Got any more green peppers for me to mince?"

Lloyd appears from behind Sheena.

He sports a dark blue Japanese schoolboy uniform—a high-collared tunic jacket with a button-up front, dress slacks, and red Converse sneakers. His weapon of choice is an enlarged version of an Exsphere attached to a long metal chain, which dangles and swings from his right hand as he walks. The chain of the weapon is wrapped around his left hand.

As he approaches the top of the stairs, Lloyd stops momentarily and waves. "'Sup?"

"Yo-Yo Gubari...right?" Colette asks in Izuman.

Lloyd smiles, and responds easily in the same language. "You betcha." He begins to descend the steps, the chain links rattling as he walks. "And you must be Dog Lover."

_Clink, clink, clink. _

Colette strides slowly forward to meet him. "It would seem that our reputations precede us."

_Step, step, step. _

"Sure," Lloyd answers. "Whatever that means. I don't like big words, you know."

_Clink, clink, clink._

Colette takes a breath. "Yo-Yo," she says, reverting back to her first language. "I know that you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you...walk away now."

A beat.

Lloyd laughs.

Hard.

"You call that begging?" he says in Izuman, vainly attempting to suppress more giggles.

_Clink, clink, clink._

Colette remains silent.

_Step, step, step. _

Lloyd reaches the bottom of the staircase.

_THUNK! _

The Exsphere lands on the ground, startling Colette to attention.

Lloyd's face is suddenly deadly serious. "Even Kratos can beg better than that."

Colette blinks.

Lloyd swings his weapon up and over his head, where he twirls it.

And twirls it.

And twirls it.

_WHOOSH...WHOOSH...WHOOSH...WHOOSH... _

Colette steps back, her sword extended.

_WHOOSH...WHOOSH... _

Lloyd steps forward.

With a flick of the wrist, he hurls the massive Exsphere at Colette.

_FWOOOSH! _

Colette ducks.

The Exsphere sails past her and demolishes a chunk of wooden post behind her. _SHRRASH! _

With a grunt, Lloyd yanks it out, twirls it around his arms, and sends it flying at her again.

The chain wraps around Colette's sword.

Colette grinds her molars.

She struggles to free her blade.

Lloyd twists his body and pulls.

The sword flies through the air and clatters on the floor some distance away. _Cl-Clang! _

Colette's eyes widen.

Lloyd pulls the Exsphere back around to him and kicks it.

**_WHAM! _**

It slams into Colette's chest and knocks her back into a table, which demolishes upon impact.

_CRASSSHH! _

Asian-styled dishes and wooden splinters rain around her.

Without missing a beat, Lloyd runs up, Exsphere twirling—_WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH_—does a no-hands forward flip, passes his weapon through his legs in mid-air, and swings it down one-handed in a vertical arc as he lands on his feet.

_THA-WHAMMM! _

Colette rolls off the remnants of the table as the Exsphere thuds into her previous spot.

She helicopter-kicks back up into a standing position.

Lloyd yanks his weapon, twirls it, and sends it out.

_FWOOOOM! _

The Exsphere is headed straight for her face again.

Colette bends back Matrix-style—_SLOOOOOOOOOOOOW-MO—_and, while still bent backwards, _sloooooooowwwwlllyyyyy_ twists around...

Heaves her hips up...

And...

_BAM! _

Soccer-kicks the Exsphere back at Lloyd.

_WHOMPF! _

Lloyd falls back and skids on his bottom across the floor, stopping just short of the koi pond.

Colette stands, panting.

Lloyd gets up and stands.

They glare at each other.

Sheena watches.

Lloyd whirls his weapon around his head again.

Colette assumes a defensive stance.

Lloyd runs towards her.

_WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH! _

He flings the Exsphere at Colette.

Colette jumps back.

The Exsphere misses her by an inch.

Lloyd spins around, twists the chain over his head, and swings his weapon at her from the other direction.

It makes loud contact with of the side of Colette's skull.

_BAM! _

"AAAH!" Colette gets ragdolled aside and slammed into a wooden post, knocking over another table in the process. She slumps to the ground, temporarily stunned.

_FWWOOOSH-CLINK-THUNK! _

The Exsphere swings around Colette's neck twice before flying into the wall behind her, the chain pinning her throat against the post.

Colette gasps.

Lloyd smirks.

He steps forward, yanking on the chain.

"Nnngh!" Colette chokes and claws frantically at the links around her throat.

Another step...another yank.

Colette's eyes bulge.

_STEP! _

Her gaze darts around frantically, trying to find a sign of salvation.

_YANK! _

And...she finds it.

A silver fork on the floor, the request of a chopstick-illiterate patron.

She snatches it and throws it.

_FWWSSSH! _

The fork sticks into the back of Lloyd's hand.

Kool-Aid spurts out from the prongs.

Lloyd shrieks and drops the chain.

Colette scrambles to free herself.

Once she does so, she suddenly spots two circular silver trays on a trolley.

She runs.

Lloyd yanks the fork out and tosses it away angrily. He shakes out his wounded hand and picks up his weapon again.

Colette now holds the two trays in her hands, ready to fight.

Lloyd growls. He swings the Exsphere around and attacks.

_WHOOOSH! _

Colette blocks with one tray.

_CL-CLANG! _

She spins around and flings the other like a Frisbee.

_FWWWWSH-SLKKKT! _

_CHK! _

A beat.

Lloyd stares at Colette.

Colette gazes regretfully back at him.

Lloyd's eyes slowly tear up with Kool-Aid.

His head slides off and lands liquidly on the ground, followed shortly thereafter by his body. _SQUELCH!_

The silver tray that Colette threw is embedded in a wooden post some distance behind where Lloyd had previously been standing.

A dramatic pause ensues.

Colette closes her eyes and sighs.

She goes to retrieve her sword.

From the folds of her obi, Sheena pulls out a food-stained wakizashi.

Deliberately...ceremoniously...she unsheathes the blade.

The perfection of the metal is marred only by the dried bits of ramen stuck to it.

With one flick of the arm, she stabs the blade vertically into the wooden railing of the balcony.

_THK!_

Then...

A car horn rendition of "La Cucaracha" blares in from the outside.

Colette's head snaps up.

She looks at Sheena.

"Is that what I think it is?" Colette asks.

Sheena laughs softly. "You didn't think it was going to be _that_ easy, did you?"

"You know, for a second there..." Colette snorts. "Yeah. I kinda did."

Sheena smiles. "Don't worry..."

"Be..." Colette continues.

"Happy," they finish together.

_STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP**-KA-POW! **_

The entrance to the main dining hall of the House of OOCness bursts open.

In stomps a black-suited Rodyle, wearing a rubber half-mask of George W. Bush's face and brandishing a long, menacing, neon-green Funoodle. He puffs out his chest and lets out a wild, savage yell: "FREEEEDDOOOMMMMM FIIIIIIIIIGHTERSSSSSS!"

The Techno Syndrome Mortal Kombat theme starts playing for no apparent reason with no apparent source.

More of the Crazy 69's pour in from behind him like neurotic ants.

They're everywhere.

All of them wear black suits.

All of them wear funky rubber masks.

All of them wave around Funoodles in a rainbow of colors.

They quickly encase Colette in a round wall of human bodies.

Colette regards them with a careful eye.

A beat.

She snaps her sword into position.

The Crazy 69's simultaneously gasp and draw back in fear, Funoodles quivering.

She turns her sword slightly.

She can see her opponents reflected in the metal of the blade.

A night wind blows...

And Colette strikes.

_CL-CLANG! SLASH! _

_"AAUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH!" _

**STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC! **

"Awwww gee, sis!" Mithos whines from his place on a beanbag chair. He's dressed in Superman pajamas and clutching a Link plushie. In front of him, a big-screen TV burbles black-and-white electric fuzz. "What gives?"

Martel authoritatively places the remote on top of the television. "That movie was getting too violent for you," she says, picking up soda cans and chip bags lying around their family room. "Come on, it's time for bed."

Mithos pouts. "But I wanted to see Dog Lover kick some ass!"

"_Mithos Yggdrasill, you watch your mouth or I'll wash it out with soap!" _

"Yes'm."

ToS-ToS-ToS

**_RAINE CHECK PLZ_**


End file.
